A Prayer of Patience

Lord I pray for patience, I pray for compassion, I pray for kindess.  Lord men's arrogance will be there undoing, they are so lost in there own "rightness".  How foolish it is that they believe they know how everything should be.   Only you know everything's proper place.  Please keep me humble, I fear to fall into the trap of self-righteousness and arrogance.  Keep destroying my pride.  I pray for compassion against the anger that is building in my heart.  Give me opportunities to remain humble and kind.  Each day is a blessing you alone give, may I not waste it with selfish thoughts and pride.  Keep my priorities in you strong, for through you all things are possible.

Slips and Check-ups

So recently I've had this feeling of things slipping, things slipping out of my mind. Like the feeling you get when you think of something, but before you can say the words, it escapes your mind.  That feeling is happening a lot more than ever before.  And on things I would never have forgotten before.  Maybe it's the stress, or the anxiety, or age (I really hope it isn't age, I'm 22, that doesn't bode well haha).

So I went to the doctor's to get a sudo routine check-up,  I say sudo, because my check-up is a little more involved then the average check-up.  I've had a lot of injuries in my life, more broken bones than the next 20 people you would meet combined and I'm no stranger to cysts and tumors. Yes those tumors, but that's a post for another day.  Somethings I don't need to talk about on zee blog haha.  But I asked him about the memory issues, and he said it's probably stress, but he said to keep an eye on it, never know about early onset dementia (oh doc what a dry sense of humor you have...)

But he suggested that I write more things down, start using a calendar, and generally try to catalog more of my life.  It will help me stay focused, which keeps the slipping feeling away.  And he said it would reduce stress.  I'm all for that!

Awash in Moonlight

So I went to a friends birthday party last night, it was a good time, got to meet a bunch of new people which is always good, so when the festivities were done and we decided to leave, I drove everyone who was in my car home (high-five designated drivers), but I don't know something came over me, I just wasn't ready to go home yet.  It was like 2 am, and any sane rational working adult would have been asleep to wake up for work the next day.  But my mind was like you should go to Peter's Canyon and just hike around.  Ok, mind, let's do it, the rest of my body mimes.  So I drive to Peter's Canyon.

Of course at 2 am the park is closed, but I've hopped enough fences in my life, so I park across the street and trespassed into the park.  So I just started to hike, through some of the creek areas, the wildlife alive with the abnormal sounds of my passing.  A coyote darted across my path, almost acting unaware of my presence.  The flowers a glow with the half-moon's light.  The night is dark, but clear. One physical gift God gave me is my night vision, so I'm able to pick my path pretty well, not stepping in anything nasty.

I made my way up big red, so I could look over the entire Tustin/Irvine valley, it was so clear that I could almost make out the end of the valley.  It was beautiful, the lights that sprang up from the marketplace, the roads empty of sound.  It felt like I was the only one awake. I got this amazing sense of oneness with my surroundings, like I could feel the crickets around me breathing, chirping, hear the raccoons munching on there dinner, watch as the coyotes made there way up the far hill.  It felt like anything was possible if I just listened.

After the moment had passed, I made my way down the far side of big red over to the far side of the park, around towards the lake.  This is were the gate hopping skills come in.  I wanted to feel the water.  Don't know why, just did.  So I hopped the fence and went down to the lake.  As I got closer to the lake I removed my shoes and socks to feel the water.  I approached the water and stuck my feet in, the water was really warm, I was pretty surprised.  It's forbidden to go swimming in the lake, like ever, so I said I've broken every other rule tonight why not another?  So I removed my clothes and jumped in.  Don't know if anyone's been skinny dipping before, but it is an interesting sensation, pretty pleasant in my opinion.  Kinda feels natural.  So I started to swim out further into the lake. By this time the moon had gone way down, and it was the darkest part of the night.  And the stars sang.  Normally I'm only treated to these stars when I go to national parks, but this was a rare treat indeed.  It caught my breath, not entirely a good thing when your treading water, but the sight was glorious.  And I knew in that moment what the most important things in my life where.

I got out, put my clothes back on, and made my way back to my car.  A man made a lot richer.  Drove home, and slept like a baby.  Dreaming of endless possibilites.

A Moment, a Failure, a Life

I made my choice, I didn't pass the test.  Its ok because I seek failure more than I seek success.  It's in my failure that I know I'm growing.  Living.   I'm not always right, but it doesn't mean I'm wrong for trying.  I fall over and stumble, I tumble and break, but I always seem to find a way to put the pieces back together.    I can cry and wail and flail, but that's the pressure of my own expectations taking the best of me and throwing it to the floor.  I'm the one who has to believe in my weakness, so that I can find strength.

Playing life like it's a game only trivializes what you have, it diminishes the importance of each moment.  Gameifying your life,  thinking of moments as achievements unlocked, diminishes the all important "why".  Should I achieve a Job, a Marriage, a Child, a Legacy? or should I live it? Why do we even have a life if we can't live it.

I'm going to find my importance in the moment.  Because the moment is all we have. The past is just a moment gone by.  The future a moment yet to be. The objects that possess us will persist in their obsession over our lives if we continue to give them the power of our time.  Our obsession to obtain everything we think we deserve dominates our lives, making us just like hamsters in a wheel. Always living for the illusion of progress. It's unfortunate, because the glory of life is just in the existence of it. And as long as we ignore it, the more this world will fall into chaos, persisted by the human condition.

It's saddening to be seen as a failure, even when you know that your successful. When you know your successful at living.

Programming

My chosen profession is computer programming, which I guess makes me a computer programmer. Software engineer if we want to remove the stigma.  The thing is I've never really been good at programming, and I think it's the sheer fact that my profession is in dire need of people that I'm allowed to be hired.  I just forget a lot of stuff, I'm clumsy on the proper processes and techniques, and don't always come up with the most elegant of solutions.  My stuff will work, but I always need the help of more competent people to finish strongly.  Most people don't opt-in to something there not good at, but I'm not good at a lot of traditional things.  I've always been good at the in-betweens, the spaces between skills, like I can translate program to design or design to program.  I can translate the emotions of a person into concrete facts.  I can connect information between multiple systems of thought.  What I'm best at is lateral thinking.  But I perform terribly when faced with a linear facing problem. So I see what others miss, but I can't take the action to it's logical conclusion.  I guess I just feel devalued, when I make the connections, but they complete the process, they really get all the credit, when there is equal work in completion and connection.  Getting from A to B is just as challenging as figuring out how to get there.  I just don't think people take notice of that fact enough.

Outlaw Star

I just finished watching my favorite anime series, Outlaw Star.  It explores the adventures of Gene Starwind and his motley crew of outlaws on board the spaceship Outlaw Star.  There are a bunch of reasons why I love this series.  I really enjoy the characters and there are so many parts I just laugh at. But I think the reason I love it the most, is that I've always wanted to be Gene Starwind. No other leading character in any fictional series has ever grabbed my imagination as much as Captain Starwind.  So tough on the outside, never backing down from any challenge, and always having the confidence to know he can get through any situation, no matter how dire. He's just a plain badass.  But I think I want to be Gene because inwardly his compassion knows no bounds, he is always down to help out anyone with anything, that's even the slogan of there sort of inside joke company.  "Starwind & Hawking enterprises where we can help you with any problem, from your love life to nuclear disasters"(It's always a different tagline but the first part is always the same). His character yearns for a better life, he believes in hope, his spirit is indomitable because he knows that one day they will make it big. His belief in himself and his friends, the love they share, it catches me every time.  If only I could believe in myself 1/10th of how much Gene Starwind believes in himself.  What a feeling that would be.

The Life of a Boulder

I've heard it described to me, at one time or another, that some people are like boulders. "Like Boulders?" I  said, "Yes like a boulder".  I remember laughing, thinking who would I describe like a boulder.  I mean boulders are large, dense, almost unstoppable inanimate objects. Pictures of Indiana Jones fly through my head.  "I mean people mostly run from boulders when there moving." I said wryly, trying to move the issue, I was getting uncomfortable.  But this person pushed and said in all seriousness,"Matthew you are a boulder".  My mind sort of halted, I mean they used my full first name, that's what told me they were serious.  I could only imagine a person's personality as a boulder, intimidating, unforgiving, cold, hard, not easily moved.  Not really much positive in that thought.  So of course I got defensive, "How so?".  They responded, taking into account my defensive posture, "A boulder can be your greatest friend or your greatest enemy" Now intrigued, they continued, "Sure if you look at a boulder coming at you head on, you run, you get out of the way, otherwise it will crush you.  But it will crush you because it has to, it cannot be easily adjusted or moved.  Only a great force can turn a boulder in motion. And not many possess that force of will.  But imagine you are behind that boulder, how secure would a person feel to be behind a near unstoppable object.  And imagine a person followed that boulder, how safe their path would be. They could count on all the obstacles being removed." Understanding more, yet not certain I fit that description, they press seeing my skepticism,"Look at your life, if you take all the events of your life, and really just the ones that I know about, look at all the destruction you have caused, and how that has all 'magically' turned into positives, do you really think your that lucky?"..."Of course not, I've worked hard to get where I'm at"..."exactly"  Thus that conversation ended.  But the point remains clear, it's not easy being friends with a boulder, they can be your greatest friend or your greatest adversary.  Unfortunately, it's hard to tell from my perspective were I'll end up, but I'll just keep rolling on.

Number 100

This is my 100th post!!! Its been an entire year since I started blogging!  So of course some reflection is in order.  I've been going back and reading some of my posts, and well...some are good, some are bad, and some are interesting/different haha.  But mostly what I see is: I've changed. It's strange to think that this blog is one year recorded in my life. Of course it's not every moment, but it is a lot of the emotion, thought process, circumstance, and insight of my life.  And it's been fun/intense writing it.

Is it weird to have a few favorites of your own "writing"(like my blogging can be considered writing haha). There are definitely some posts that I favor over others.  The writings better, funnier, my point is clearer, or I really don't sound like a douche bag. I definitely like all those posts the best haha.

Thanks to everyone who reads it, even though I don't know exactly who, it's nice to know that what you have to say is being heard by someone.  Here's to another year!

Moral Relativism

Can't we all just agree somethings are wrong and other things are right. Can't we just argue it out until the last point has been decided and compromised on.  So that we then can all agree to grow-up and work together instead of arbitrarily forcing people on opposite sides of the morality fence.  It's like the grass is greener on the other side problem, only in reverse. That a person is always wrong until they join my team, then all of a sudden there always right.  It just makes no sense, were has the value for universal truth gone.  I guess it got destroyed in the wake of everyone realizing they can't always get what they want, forcing them to revert to children.  I just think so many people need to grow-up, get over themselves, and realize there is more to life then there own selfish wants and desires.

Sleep

I've just been having the worst sleep lately, I wake up like 4 or 5 times a night, then I'm like a caffeine zombie throughout the day.  I just never feel rested and always on edge.  Always thinking to myself, "damn gurl damn take a chill pill, you neeeeeed to relax yoself".  Ugggg... I wish I was the worlds heaviest sleeper.  It would make the days be more enjoyable.  And I wouldn't feel the ever present urge to close my eyes, I swear it's like staring at the sun.  I just function so awkwardly right now, like a rapid squirrel seeking his stash, I'm just focusing on silly stuff, because my mind is so sleep deprived.  Maybe I need some warm milk and a cat to cuddle with before bed.

Happiness and Boredom

This last week has been busy, real busy.  But I haven't been this happy in a long while.  Though this week at work is like mind-crushingly boring, heres to hoping it gets better.

Interview

I think it would be pretty cool to be interviewed sometime.  I watch Piers Morgan on CNN a lot of nights, he has interesting guests, and I like hearing what they have to say on communal topics, and of course there personal lives as well.  I just think it would be cool to be interviewed sometime, for people to tune in to hear what you have to say, just be listened to, that would be pretty cool.

Walking Dreams

I've been having the strangest dreams lately, its a reoccurring one.  It always starts out the same way, I always awaken(?) in a meadow, one that's filled with thousands of wild flowers.  All shapes and sizes, sort of like Willie Wonka, but without all the candy.  The sun is in the intense glow of sunset just sitting above the horizon line.  I eventually always seem to stumble down a path, I can't tell if it parts from the flowers or if it's always there. I don't think it matters, but I wonder.

As I walk along this path, my friends, those past and present, line the path. There all crying.  Some of those friends I've never seen crying before, but all the same they are weeping like they have suffered the worst tragedy.  None of them ever talk to me, like visibly talk to me, like I mean move there mouths.  But I always here there voices just the same, I can't understand what they say, I just know it's there voice.

Depending on the night, I'll sometimes try to stop and talk to them, understand why there crying, the friends always shift they aren't the same every night.   I never get an answer, but I try anyway, some nights.  Other nights I just continue walking, often times running when the voices combine to much.  I eventually reach a clearing amongst all the flowers.  There is always some tool of communication sitting there waiting for me.  A phone, a computer, a morse-code machine (random right?), strange stuff.  I always go up to it and try to communicate through it. Someone anonymous person always answers, but I eventually get frustrated with the conversation, because he/she/wolfzombie (sorry a joke) constantly responds with I don't understand.

In my frustration I end up ending the conversation in anger, and I look up to see all my friends surrounding me.  There still crying, but they can see me now.  They all reach out there hands to try and touch me,  slowly they all move forward. But in that moment a strange feeling always floods over me.  The feeling you get when you know it's to late, like an opportunity has come and gone or you missed out on something.  Then they touch me and I jolt awake.  Always at 7:00 a.m., like my body was somehow programmed to experience this in the same way for the exact amount of time.

I don't know what I think about the dream, so far it just sits in the strange zone, but maybe more will come to light.

Dreams filled with Wisdom

I had a strange dream last night.  It was filled with random sayings/wisdom, stuff I'd never heard before.  Or couldn't remember hearing before.  I'm not sure the meaning of the dream or remember all the sayings, but I'll try my best.

1. The present feels like a trap, only when the past and future feel like an escape.
2. Appreciate what you have now, because what you might have may come, but what you do have may go.
3. Dance like you will never dance again, because no one ever plans on not being able to dance again.
4. What you do think is only a small part of what you can think.
5. Real lives begin and end. But your imagination lasts forever.
6. Truth is the ointment to sooth the tortured soul.
7. The moment you feel fear, is the moment you give up living your life, and start to live someone else's.

If I remember more I'll post them, but it was like a waterfall of information, I just couldn't keep track of it all.

Prayer of the Fearful

Lord where is my courage, why do I fear when I am surrounded by your presence.  How can any decision be bigger than you?  It cannot.  Lord the world surrounds me with its judgement, it surrounds me with its hate, but Lord you surround me with your love. Your love begets goodness and grace, thank you for righteousness.  Lord only you can give wisdom, I fear to be the fool in your sight.  May my path be forever in your light, may you make my bent path straight to your sight. Though I've stared into the void, you have always held me in the tightest of embraces.  You wouldn't let me fall even if I through myself; and for that I am forever grateful.  I know if I make a decision in you it is pure and righteous.  I pray that you keep my mind focused away from the darkness that attacks my heart, may you keep my tortured soul sane and soothed with your ointment of truth.  Lord I fear for my minds health, because it has lived in fear for so long, allow your grace to take hold and the fear to evaporate. Lord you are my sword and shield in the battle for my heart.  Lord let nothing spoil your creation.  Lord thank you for loving me, even though I don't deserve it, I am blessed beyond measure just to know you.

We Fell in Love in a Hopeless Place

I've had this song on repeat all day, even crossfaded it so that it just sounds like one constant stream. First thing I'm gonna do after I'm off work is dance to this song like crazy.

On the Thought of telling your Parents

I've recently thought a lot about telling my parents that I'm gay.  Sometimes I wish they would stumble across my blog, or my journal, or one of my friends would slip, just so I wouldn't have to muster up the courage to tell them.  The dam would break without any effort.  Is it sad that I fear it so much.  It wouldn't be the end of the world, just the end of my relationship with my parents.  I know what they'd say, how disappointed they are, how they tried so hard to raise me right, but I just had fuck up everything (like always). I  think as long as there wasn't a gay person in the family they were totally cool, but I just know they could never live with the thought of there only son being gay.  It's sad because I know they would lack compassion.  They would try to humiliate me and guilt trip me out of it, like I have a choice.  They would use all my relationships against me, just because they think that would make me change.

There would be no place for me in my family, because at least I was tolerable when I was successful.  But being gay would be the last straw, ready for the stack to be burnt.  All of my achievements would mean nothing, become sub-human, tainted in the minds of my loved ones.  I do love them.  That's ultimately what holds me back, the anguish that it would cause them, the thought is unbearable to me.  Most people think, well do if for yourself. I can't. The thought of me even attempting something selfish hurts, there's no way I could go through with it consciously.

I guess I just ask what would change and would it be better.  And I honestly can say things would change and they wouldn't make things better.  I can't escape, because there's nowhere to go.  I can't run because there's nowhere to hide.  And I can't answer, because there's no truth I can tell.  As long as I'm miserable everyone is happy, and is it worth my happiness to forsake theirs? Because I'll have no one but myself to blame for the retribution.

Living in fear isn't living, it's dying. At least for one day, I would like to be myself, for all the world to see. To love or to hate. To feel alive. But I'm afraid I forgot what I look like.

Familiar Feelings

Right now I feel the way I did during high school.  Disappointed, saddened, feeling the pull of depression and dourness.  I had escaped those for awhile during college, because there was such constant connectedness with the positivity of others.  I realize I'm not happy right now, I fooling my self to say otherwise.  I'm trying to become stronger so I can resist these feelings, these paralyzing feelings.  I'm trying to deal with my problems without intervention.  But I realize how weak I am.  How dependent I am  on other people for my emotional stability.  

I don't know how to fix the problems of loneliness, I can't make people want me around more, and acceptance, I can't make my parents and others like my decisions or who I am.  They are almost entirely out of my control at this point.  I can only communicate how I feel so much, before it turns to pleading for pity.  I just wish this moment didn't feel so familiar, like college was the calm before the adult storm.  To tell you the truth, the way I know it feels like high school, is for the first time in a long time, I wish to be someone else. 

Rain

Rain, Rain, wash away, all of my pain today.
Rain, Rain, take away, the pressures of my day to day.
Rain, Rain, hold at bay, my heart that wants a way.
Rain, Rain, turn and stay, won't you come back someday.

Judgement

What I wonder is why people judge my life so much, they feel the need to weigh in on every decision, every phrase, every utterance.  I'm not interesting, please leave me alone.  If I was in fact cool and interesting I would do normal things better than everyone else or try to be absolutely the opposite of normal.  I do not.  So why does every action need to be judged.  Leave my decisions to me.  All your judgement achieves is for me to feel terrible about myself because everyone is laughing at me. There no longer on my side, your judgement just created a line in the sand, ended there empathy.  All your judgement does is make me want to put an imaginary cone of silence around my head to block out the thoughts of all those around me.  Your judgement is not going to make me change, all it achieves is making others think less of me.  It just makes my life harder.  It assassinates my character.  And it doesn't matter how hard I work, the actions I do to the contrary, you already assassinated my character, and peoples perceptions don't change very easily.  Even if I brought it up to you. And you apologized. The damage is done.  The trust I could have formed obliterated by your opinions.  By the shared trust you already possessed with the others.  My only redemption maybe being your new found compassion.  But I'm still at your mercy, I hate that, I would rather forgo the whole endeavor of meaning anything to these people if someone else is in control of my interactions.  Time to move on to other pastures. Because my heart won't take another judgmental assassination.

The Fall

It's finally fall, the time of the year were things start anew. Well I guess in the adult world.

Fall is when everybody goes back to school.
Fall is when TV shows begin again.
Fall is when Football starts up (normally basketball too).
Fall is when most people get married.
Fall is when the majority of children are born (you can thank New Year's for that).
Fall is the time when all the most anticipated books and video games are released just in time for Christmas.  Fall is the back to work attitude after the long break of summer.
Fall is for the night when spring and summer are for the day.
Fall is when all your friends come back after the separation of summer.

I love the fall.

On Being in Love With Someone Who Can't Love You Back

I wish I could accurately describe what the feeling is like. Being in love with someone who can't love you back. It's tragic, it's depressing, it's frustrating.  It makes you wish the situation could be changed, the dice re-rolled, your life reworked.  It makes you wish you weren't you. It makes you realize how empty inside you feel from being single.  I know I should be stronger, feel more self-actualized, have higher self-esteem, but I don't.  I'm in love and my heart won't let go, even though my head says go.  It runs through the paces of if's and when's, hoping and praying, for moments that will never happen.  You realize all your imperfection in one glance and realize that all you want is for someone to love that imperfection back unconditionally.

Men

Being male is a matter of birth,
being a man is a matter of age,
but being a gentleman is a matter of choice

Polarity

I know lots of people always say that were all weird, different, strange, unique, special.  But more often then not if you take two people you will find that they are more similar than different.  More same then special.  I guess I wonder where we get all those notions of uniqueness, why we let those notions drive us to seek accolades for specialness, and why that specialness makes us believe that it is OK to judge other people.

It's interesting how people treat each other when they see another person as a threat to there uniqueness.  It frightens them. They lash out. To them you could never do a thing as well as they can. And if your actions were identical to their's, they would still believe their fantasy. The threat of sameness running on the same level as the threat of survival.  What's interesting about this is you can relate a lot of resistance to social change to this problem.  Groups of people worried about there identity being stripped from them or certain privileges.  All, to some extent,  the threat of sameness.

Were so worried about it, that even our neighbor can become our enemy. We can cast a polarizing effect on any person or group.  Democrats and Republicans.  Yankees and Mets.  SoCal and NorCal.  Muslim and Christian.  American and the rest of the World.  It's funny I can feel myself wanting to justify how different each of those things are. But really that's just the polarizing effect of wanting uniqueness.  Sure I could list off 20 ways that each of those people are different from each other.  But I bet I could list off 100 ways they are similar.  It's sad that we fight with each other trying to be unique, when really it just doesn't matter.

Failing at life is all in the repetition.

The Music Swelling

You know that feeling when you know your on the edge of catharsis? Like when the music is swelling and it's almost reached it's climax. The emotions of the sound building.   The swell of the chords reverberating from your inner ear to the deepest parts of your mind. Bringing your brain to its knees, begging for its pleasurable release.

I've been thinking about that moment.  It's intoxicating to me,  I long for that moment.  I'm addicted to Catharsis.  I live my life seeking those cathartic moments of realization.  Living so tensely, waiting for the moment when I can feel that release.

In truth, I'm addicted to learning, I can't wait to find a problem and tackle it, the problem's details pushing the boundaries of my mind, creating that tension I long and seek.  Waiting for the moment when I solve the problem. The realization that I understand the release I ultimately long for.  The Sonata of my life in constant crescendo till a legato takes hold.

Unfortunately like any addiction, the more you do it the less effective it is on giving you that feeling of well-being. And I am no different.  With each boundary of my mind pushed it takes a bigger problem to get that release.  But that get's me into trouble, my mind is not limitless, and there are some problems I am not meant to face.

On Connection & Vulnerability

This is an awesome video on connection and loving others well!

http://www.lovingwell.is/tedx-the-power-of-vulnerability-by-brene-brown/

Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me :D

Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me When I Turned 18 (Happy Birthday Little Brother) 

This is for you, little brother, on your 18th birthday, and for all the other little brothers and sisters who are being asked by life to please leave childhood behind, thank you very much.
AUG. 26, 2011
By KAT GEORGE
Little brother, you and I both are very lucky—we have a mother full of wisdom. When I was 18, I wish someone had told me this: that mother is always right. So I am telling you now: all the things she says and does are with your best interests at heart, and everything she tells you will come to pass. When I was 18, I wish someone had told me this (someone who wasn’t mamma), and I wish someone had told me that even though she’ll always turn out to be right in the end, it’s still OK to challenge her in the meantime.
When I was 18, I wish someone had told me how young I was. Imbibed with all the new powers—drinking (drinking age in Australia is 18), driving, voting—it’s easy to feel somehow older, but you’re not, you’re still a teenager. Don’t get too far ahead of yourself, hold on to your fearless childhood ways for as long as you can and use your new freedoms recklessly. Experiment with these new things you have (but be safe, little brother) and be you in a million different ways, because you don’t have to settle into yourself just yet.
When I was 18, I wish someone had told me it’s OK to screw up; that it’s OK to mess up whatever, whenever, in every which way possible. That failing a subject at uni isn’t the end of the world. That backing your car into another when you’re trying to reverse park isn’t so bad. That your failed relationships, both sexual and platonic, are not an indication of the person you are. Little brother, it’s all right if you break something—because I’m going to be here to love you regardless.
When I was 18, I wish someone had told me that nothing is precise. What you will learn from books over the next few years of your tertiary education is subjective. You will want to spout platitudes from texts like sermons over dinner and when you’re drunk with your uni buddies. But, little brother, enlightenment is not necessarily in knowledge so much as it is in application. Don’t learn dogmatically from words, but learn to mix them all together to find the shades of grey between them.
When I was 18, I wish someone had told me that no one wants to grow up. We all want to ride the merry-go-round, to eat fairy bread at parties and to play duck-duck-goose. It’s OK that you want these things too. You don’t have to become quieter, or more ‘mature’—this means nothing. Little brother, it’s all right to keep some of your childish impulses, to spray your ice cream with so much chocolate sauce it appears more like a mudslide than a sundae. You only live once, hold onto the kid inside.
When I was 18, I wish someone had told me that it’s all right to be scared; that everyone is scared. No one knows what they’re doing or why, but they’re doing it just the same, and so should you. There’s no shame in fearing the things you fear, little brother, because we can face them together. When I was 18, I wish someone told me that all there is happiness, and to love the ones around you. So dissolve your fears, little brother, and don’t let them rule you, because we are so very brief, and I want you to always smile inside your heart. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you become, where you work, who you marry (or if you marry at all) or how much money you have—the only, and most important thing to be in life is happy.
When I was 18, I wish someone had told me that the older you get, the less you realize you know, and that that’s all that growing up really means. Good luck little brother, because even though I’m eight years your senior, I’m still completely clueless. All I know for sure is that I love you more than I will ever be able to express completely.

asdlfamvalmdvalkdvklnasdvlansdlvaknsdvklnacvanc,m,nvaksdvndvcvkadgheroifaehaokdvnaknvnklssd;a;lksdnvdaklnv;anklsvdalnkvsd;lasdvkkl;asdklnv;NXl;oaiwhevcnia;snklv;nVk;akldvahkdl;fadklvcveiovh;adhvlk;asdnva;adkcln;vadkfhvar;j avkl;chvalksd; nadf;oiewhfoahdvasdbkvasdbvalk;sdvblkdsckjkfhefowegbngbsjdipfdfnackaepfogialcladhgaghalsL;ADNCA;SLKDJFAHGAOD;CAFHAFDAaalkdfla;jvonacnal;gjakldssssssssssssga;sdkhasoidciasdklvhklfhahkkahlsddadklshhhhhhhhhadhklssklds...Frustrated

Hate can be comfortable for the hater but painful for the hated. Love can be painful for the lover and comfortable for the loved.
- JEFF CAMPAGNA

Anti-Social

I don't really understand the need to be anti-social right now.  I guess I'm just tired, and it's causing me disfunction.  Whatever, the cause I just have this repulsion to doing anything right now.  Yet I can't seem to say no.  My desire to please is so powerful,  sometimes I wish it wasn't.

Confused Questions

I have such a great situation in life, but why am I so joyless? I have great friends that I love, but why am I so unhappy?  I have money, but why don't I feel secure? I have a body that is young and youthful, but why do I feel so old? I have God, but why do I feel so alone? I have personality, but why do relationships feel so one-sided? I don't want to stand out nor do I want to fit in, I just want to be, but why is there so much resistance to that?  I wonder if life after college is always this way or if finding a job normally ends these thoughts.  I thought living to serve people was all the purpose I'd need, but then the people moved away.  Or just aren't as close as before.  or just aren't around. or I just can't get hold of them. Whatever the reason that purpose isn't enough, what am I to do?  My age thirty-plus friends don't have advice, they say my case is an anomaly.  That I'm neither 22 nor 35, just a person caught between to many life stages all at once.  I guess that's why I'm confused, all the advice comes from a particular life stage, to transition through it smoothly. But I don't exist in one, I exist in many, and I just can't get a grip.  I wonder how long it will take to stop tumbling and gain traction?

Without Grace

"Grace to put it simply is unconditional love. Grace moves in to accept others as they are, without the condition that they change and with a willingness to engage as far as it is possible."

I need it.

I don't know how to receive it.  Without grace, love is so conditional something that must be earned constantly.  Sought out with every action, every word. Like an addiction that consumes your sheer thoughts.  Without grace, love is the exact opposite, it is un-love.  Un-love drives you deeper into self-loathing and hate.  Un-love makes you feel worthless and anxious.  It makes questions dance tempestuously in your head.  "Would you love me if I wasn't striving to meet your expectations and fulfill your needs?"  Without grace, you never can feel secure in your relationships, you feel as if at any time the closest people in your life could abandon you if you stop working so hard. Without grace, you can't set boundaries. Love is like a fire, you want it's warmth, but you always get to close and get burned. Without grace, love is a slave driver with no mercy, solitude its own form of punishment.  Without grace, a person can never experience real love, the sustaining kind, the kind that brings peace.

Driving in the Moonlight

Driving by moonlight.  The clearness of the air, the blank blackness of the space between lights.  The desolate beauty of the landscape inverted to another perspective.  When you can almost see the land sleeping, the flowers faces illuminated like the pale glow of angels.  The darkness calming and soothing the stress of the day.  Magnifying the space of your mind, while shrinking the world around you.  Creating a focus that is lost in the sun.  

For when the Moon is atop the sky, a singular focus can only be found.  The allure of it's craters, the diffraction of it's light. Your eyes treated to wonderful dance between her and her partner.  A tragic waltz that allows her escort only a glimpse as she retreats.  The stars, all-knowing, twinkle with the understanding of millennia.  Like loving parents that understand the heart of their children, knowing their love was never meant to be. 

And like an arrow of light piercing the void, the car throttles ahead. Lighting the journey only one second at a time.  The momentum of the machine creating moments of time.  Your body an extension of machine, allowing you to glide across the road.  Like Zeno's paradox, each moment a new state of being. Causing you to forget the destination, and revel in the feeling of the moment.  As your speed increases, the world disintegrates into particles, the energy being received through every sense.  The moonlight providing the phosphorescent backdrop exposing that wondrous phenomena.  

The energy, the drive only lasting those precious moments.  Then the silence. The destination is reached.   And as you exit the portal of your time-machine, the world returns to your head. Your mind awaiting the next journey into nothingness.

You Ever Have One of Those Days Were You're Just A Winner

Today is that day!

Essence

I've been trying to find so much importance in a self, my "self", that it's making me depressed.  The fact is throughout college all I heard was find yourself, become who you want to be, follow your dreams.  But I think that's destructive for me.  I realized as I "discovered" my self (more like created it),  I found myself growing more distant from others, getting more upset at what I perceived as faults and failures of theres.  Started to assess status and popularity, started to assess how I fit in to each given group, and started losing my child-like understanding of people and their motives. As I was creating myself, I could only internalize how "other" everyone else was.  I started to hate myself for not being like them.  For not being "one" with the group.  This hate fueled me to change, to try to become the version of a perfect human for what the group needed.  Trying to artificially create oneness.

But I was wrong.  The only thing I did was destroy my essence.   I changed almost everything about me and invented the rest.  Breaking the sacred vow with my heart.  It was like a slow poison, trying to create that oneness.  I would work tirelessly to shape that square hole into a circular one.  My mind said I was doing right, but my heart said I was doing wrong.  The reason for my dissatisfaction, a mind-heart war.  I'm a little saddened that it's taken me this long to understand.  My parents never realized that by raising me the way they did, my will could overcome my heart.  Forgoing all true emotion for a fake, scripted, and rehearsed version of a person I thought others wanted, but I could never truly be.

I look back over so many blog posts, notes, and messages.  And it stares back at me, glaringly obvious.  The problem with me is that I'm not me.  That the self I created was never supposed to exist.   That the essence of who I am had been warped and perverted by the only person that could do it, myself.

The validation of others creating the drug of "oneness"that created self so craved.  Before college I never needed validation. I never cared how many friends I had or if I had friends at all.  I never cared if I fit in or if people treated me right.  I never cared about my "self".  The only way to fuel this perverted self was to block out that old "self".  The one that only cared for others, never judged them.  The one that only wanted what's best for those around him, never his own interests.  The one that would choose last place so that others would be saved from ridicule, never first place for his own glory.

No more existential struggles, no more wars between heart and mind, no more.  I should have known that when I was reading the Bible my heart was seeking unification and my mind validation.

I'm going back, I remember how I felt before, I remember the essence, I remember my heart.

Presence

This is a wonderful little article on Presence, and honestly explains why I'm depressed about my life.

http://www.lovingwell.is/the-gift-of-presence/

Two sections really stand out to me:


Being present involves intentionality, the willingness to engage emotionally, availability, flexibility, attention and focus. It’s what we mean by “being there for someone.” It’s an overlooked quality of loving well because it’s so easy to mistake mere physical presence for true presence, but they are not synonymous.


and


We can’t be all things to all people, and presence has to be a gift rather than something that is demanded of us, but presence is something that can be practiced and is the only way to truly live in relationship. It’s worthwhile to think about what we can do to be more present in our relationships.

I need a Break from People

I need a break from people, if people call me, that's fine I'll hang out and help, but I'm done calling, seeking after, and intentionally being around people.  I'm just so depressed about the state of everything.

Stood Up

If anyone's ever been stood up, you know how I feel right now.  Is it sad that they're such familiar feelings.  They're so familiar I'm not even upset at the person at all really. It's like being rejected, disappointed, and sad are part of my genome.  I mean to put it bluntly, it's not like I was going to do anything else with my evening, no one else called me, facebooked me, texted me or anything, its not like I turned down anything and then got stood up.  So really I should be thanking the person for even entertaining the idea of spending a few hours with me.  I guess it was the thought that counted.

Now not calling me to cancel and having the waitress look at me like "you poor sap"that was unnecessarily cruel.  I know my feelings don't really matter and all, as the rest of my heart seems to be only vapor and dust. There is really no part of me left that isn't tarnished, assaulted, and abused.  It's torturous to me to see how little people care about my needs.  How I can dance in front of them like a little insane monkey trying to get their attention, praying "just think about me one time after we part", it's pathetic.  I think I've finally given up all hope for a mutual relationship, one where I'm not just giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, giving.  I'm exhausted from all the giving, from all the rejection, form all the lack of kindness being thrown my way, from everyone else's problems and responsibilities, from being used up like a piece of toilet paper and simply flushed away with the rest of the shit.

I shouldn't be crying anymore because of this.  I should be so used to it by now. But yet the tears fall because I want it so badly.  Honestly, my body and mind can't take much more of this, brutal, soul-crushing, punishment.  It's been 22 years of this shit, since the day I was born, put to work like some beast of burden, for everyone else's gain.   And I can't even get someone to show up to dinner & movie.

 (both of which I was paying for)

Secret Admirer

I got an anonymous text last night (I know, I didn't even think you could send those).  It was from a secret admirer or so I think:

"Twas the encircling nature,
 the twine of fate,
 hath brought forth the sun's radiant warmth;
such bountiful happiness must only come from within,
were it not already abundant within such,
as called Matthew Palmer"

I tried texting back.  They didn't answer :(.  But it was beautiful, so thank you!

Open Letter for Forgiveness

Dear Estranged Friends,

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for all the things I said that I didn't mean.  I sorry for not being gentle or kind in my attempts to "fix" the relationship.  I'm sorry I got defensive or upset.  I'm sorry if I stopped listening and passed judgement all to soon.  I'm sorry that I lacked understanding.  I'm sorry that I didn't treat you with all the respect you deserve.  I'm sorry that I didn't appreciate or affirm you enough.  I'm sorry for not being honest with how I felt. I'm sorry for the love that I didn't give you.  I'm sorry for me.

I ask for your forgiveness, I never meant to hurt you or push you away,  I never meant to be a wedge between what was a good thing.  I ask you to forgive the pitfalls in my personality.  To forgive my faults and failures as a friend.  I ask that you forgive who I am, just as much as what I've done.  Please forgive me.

-Matty

A Journey of Me

This is the check in post, this is a post about my self conception, how I view myself at this point in my journey, it might sound slightly self-serving, it might sound underwhelming in some places, it could go on for ever and ever.  But I think I need it, so in the bad times I can remember there was a person.  That during stages of depression, where you feel like nothing, there is most definitely something.  A person to remember that was good and right.

I am Loved:

By God, by friends, by family, I am loved.  I think I'm loved for a variety of reasons - I think God loves me cause he's God and has a shit ton of grace haha. I don't deserve, mostly because I value people more than I value God, I'm trying to change that. One step at a time.  I think my friends love me because I care for them , honest to goodness care for them in a world that teaches us that we should careless about each other.  I don't think buying many people food, dealing with apartment stuff, listening to tons of peoples problems, fixing a lot of peoples problems, sacrificing my time and money for others betterment goes unnoticed.  I think I'm loved for what I do, more than who I am, something I'm trying to change.  I know I can only see my perspective, but I don't know what people think of me, except that I'm generous, everyone tells me that.  But really that's all they tell me, I mean they mean generous in every sense of the word, time, money, energy, resources, skills, wisdom, etc.

 I wonder if they view me how I view myself,  as kind and virtuous, having an honor code to always hold peoples best interests at heart.  Being honest about my intentions and what I think.  Willing to sacrifice anything and everything for another.  Having an uncanny skill for analyzing people. Looking almost naively for the best in everyone, and ignoring the bad parts.  Being Strong, confident, and mature in my decisions, willing to accept any and all responsibility for a situation.  Having deep insecurities about being alone, what people think of me, and if I'm doing the right thing.  Worried if I'll die alone or if anyone will remember me in 10 years or 2.  A willingness to put my body on the line for the betterment of the team.  That I'm self-motivated and intentional about everything, calculated even.  That I've persevered through times of terrible tragedy.  Having the courage to stand up in the face of adversity, when other's said I couldn't do it, whether it be walk again, get off drugs by myself, run my own business, act and sing in musicals, or become a computer scientist.  Though cries of your not good enough and you'll never be. To have a work ethic and never procrastinate.  To be flexible and always having a plan B ready, "pulling an audible".  Being able to empathize with most anyone so I can speak into their life using the wisdom learned from my screwed up one.  Being unable to say no, not being able to set-up healthy boundaries for a relationship, and becoming co-dependent on others for validation.    Not pretending to understand cultural differences, but seeking after that understanding.  Having an ability to synthesize and assimilate knowledge together at a speedy rate, a memory that remembers all the little details.  A person that has no greater ambition in his life than to love others and have others love him.

If anyone reads this, I'm sorry for the self-serving dialogue, know that I don't think I'm perfect and there are many things that I actively I'm trying to fix in my life.  Having realistic expectations on others being a high priority.  But that this is merely to remind myself that when I feel abandoned, lonely, or that stupid question "why doesn't anyone love me", that I can look to this and know that I am who I am, that it is good. But having humility to know that there is always room for improvement.

Adulthood

So I recently moved back in with my parents, sorta a stop-gap measure while I look for a place.  Now it hasn't been bad, they don't keep tabs on me every two seconds like they use to, I can come and go as I please.  But the one thing that gets to me is how negative the environment.  NOTHING EVER GOES RIGHT!  Now that's an exaggeration, more often than not things usually do go right, but living at my parents place you wouldn't know that.  You would think the world was ending with every little thing.  It's not and more generally the world always goes on.  As I was growing up, I really didn't notice it, the rampant fatalism, but now that I'm back from college, there is marketable difference.  Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, they make some of the best decisions, and are virtually never wrong on people's character, money, and/or general wisdom. It's just their perspective on life is colored way more negatively then mine. I think one thing my parents could change, is learning to let go off the past, I ultimately think that is what keeps them from truly enjoying life.  I'm trying to nudge them gently to see the truth in that, but I guess I'll have to get more firm.

This is a separate thought, but somehow connected.  I've been thinking lately about what makes an adult, is it being self-sufficient? Nope I know a lot of people that live on there own, work, even have a significant other,but I wouldn't classify them as adult.  Based on a variety of factors (main one being selfishness).  To make a long thought short.  I think when a person turns into an adult, is when they finally see their parents as people.  All the faults, failures, insecurities, skills, and qualities. Through adolescence, I always saw my parents, as invincible warriors, parents that have always come to my defense, stalwart and resolute, never wrong in there judgements, impeccably smart whose intelligence far surpassed my own.  My parents have many great qualities, but of course like any person they have their faults.  But every child knows this, it takes an adult to see it.  To realize that your parents need just as much love and support as you do.  That when your away, they miss you just as much as a best friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, or wife.  And like any person, they once had dreams and aspirations, pains and sufferings, their past lives with them.  To be an adult is to switch from the receiving mode you do as a child, receiving from your parents, relatives, and friends.  And flip it to giving mode, poring out to help the people around you.

Some people never make the flip, and really, making a prediction, most people from my generation will never make that flip.  And nowadays that flip is becoming rarer and rarer, you can point to so many statistics, divorce over 50%, psychologists creating a new category for life stages "emergent adulthood", 55% of American's saying they are dissatisfied with their relationships.  And 45% of young people polled across colleges saying Sex was the number 1 priority in their relationship.  These statistics paint a picture of a community that is changing, changing to devaluing your fellow man and an increasing in selfishness.  So why is it important?  Because it marks a de-evolution, a regression away from a more Godly society.  And it makes me sad, for as ursula would put it those "poor unfortunate souls" don't know what there missing out on.

Fun Games

Fun Games have three components (that I can see :D):

1. Basic set of controls or rules that are easy to learn and are satisfying (FPS = shooting guns)

2. The board/playground/level/gamespace must allow for strategic play(i.e. different movement patterns, or things on the board that makes the players want to move there, or different options on different parts of the gamespace)

3. The player must ALWAYS have different tactics at there disposal at any given time (in a card game that's playing different cards, in a board game like risk you can attack/defend/move, or in a game like Halo grenade, gun, other gun, melee) except for the losing state.  (Chess being the example or more specifically checkmate)

Close your Eyes and Listen

Moving Out

I moved out of 926 today, no explosions, but no trumpets, the book on college has officially been written.  Life moves on.  It's strange I ended going to classes 4 months ago, I wasn't sad, I started working kissing childhood goodbye, not so sad, I went through the graduation ceremony, not really sad (maybe even a touch relieved), but moving out of 926.  It was my college experience, that place, that home.  The atmosphere I will always remember in my heart.  The joy and laughter, the sadness and tears, the wisdom raining from it's walls.  How I can remember all the deep talks I had with so many people there.  926 was a safe place for secrets, where everyone I know could share there heart.  It was my safe haven, from all the stress, the worries, the hurts, and the pains.  It was my refuge, where I saw Jesus more clearly than in any church.  The place were I learned who I was and why I was it.

To me 926 wasn't just a place to live, it was life, and life is love.  Love permeated the very walls of that place.  I could feel it, like a emanating aura of awesome, it would hit me as I opened the door each and every time.  The people inside ready to greet me with warm cheer.  Love to me was, is, and will forever be it's driving force. Keeping the door unlocked, providing a fun and inviting place, being generous with drinks and food, and anything else,  spoke to the values of what that place was meant to symbolize.  Love is 926.

It's tragic that I must depart that place, but life goes on, it always goes on. But I will never forget, how much that home meant to me.  How much the people within meant to me and will forever mean to me.  How my life has forever been changed by the relationships forged there.  And how God portrayed to me that love will endure forever.

Always Last Place

I think the title speaks for it's self, as much as I get ahead on all the life issues, it always feels like I'm in last place.  Now after going to SummerCon that isn't necessarily a bad thing, actually it's probably the best thing for my soul, "The last shall be first", but man does it hurt.  I just feel even if I do something right, help out here, sacrifice there, I get totally smacked down for doing it.  Like helping others was some capital offense.  I think I could take all the grief a lot better, from the few that give it, if it didn't always feel like people only talked to me because they ran out of other options for "fun" friends and/or they need to use me for something or some problem.

I understand what Jesus was saying about being the slave of all, it's denying your own needs in place of another's, and submitting to their needs.  But it's not just another person, it's ten other people, twenty other people, with no respite.  I never feel like I'm included or I belong.  I just feel like I'm always sitting on the edge of a group waiting to serve the next person.  I don't know...when I look at Jesus for an example he seems to me to be the most integral part of the group, the hub of the spoke and wheel analogy.  But I've never felt integral to anything or anyone.  I guess that's good in a way, keeps me humble, nothing humbles a person like being able to be replaced.

I don't know where this blog post is going, it just frustrates me that when the shit hit's the fan, I'm the first one to clean up the shit and the fan, but when anything remotely enjoyable might be happening, I have to stumble over that person doing it, or literally LITERALLY have to be told "no one else is around and I'm bored lets hang out!"  implying that their is only one option worse than you and that's being alone.  How the f*** do you think I feel?  I guess I need to work on being more like-able...

Nothing To Say

I should have a lot to say after summercon and graduation and trips and work, but I don't.  It's like the little bunny that could finally ran out of energy.

Under-appreciated and devalued

I can't shake these feelings of being under-appreciated, so much shit, that isn't my responsibility getting foisted on my shoulders. Though I get a thanks, its so tright and forced it just makes me think they don't respect me at all and are entitled to everything I do.  So demeaning. I just feel so unvalued right now.  I know it's not suppose to be about me, but it hurts to get used so abusively.

Virtue & Wisdom

When did virtue die? When did striving for a virtuous life become the last choice for a lifestyle?  Why is it so hard to explain to people self-sacrifice? Why do outsiders to a situation always feel virtue is a blight on your identity?

I want to live a virtuous life. I want to do the right thing. I want to be honest, fair, and just.  I want to give more than I receive.  I want to give everything for others. I want it. Why is it absurd to offer a close friend free rent, while I pay, because their down on life and need a leg up.  Why is it absurd to take the time for another and listen to their problems.  Why is it absurd to be considerate and get food for someone even though they didn't ask.  When did kindness go out of fashion? When did being nice only happen in the moment and not behind the scenes as well?  Why is being intentional creepy now? How did that happen?  When did leveling judgement become the only topic of conversation? When did appreciation fall out of the world and depreciation take it's place? Why is affirmation for the weak? Why has the value for wisdom disappeared?

I'm tired of trying to explain to people virtue, that the world isn't perfect, that there still is a battle between good and evil and not just between better and best like everything's good.  That doing the right thing isn't the right thing for you.  Virtue is the integrity of identity.  And that comes at a cost. A cost of self.

Wisdom is not born it's made. Wisdom is made or moreover gained through virtuous actions, by remaining patient beyond what's reasonable, by trying to be kind in the face of adversity, by being fair even though the odds are stacked against you.  Wisdom is the realization of what's important universally, not of self, but of the greater universal good.

I want wisdom, I want what's best for humanity, for my friends, my family.  I want to live as virtuously as possible.  I want people to respect that. To accept that.

Life Love

I think you love someone when their pain is your pain.

Their darted glance, the brief terror in their eyes; it strikes you right in the chest. It punctures your air supply until it stings and the sting becomes a dull ache and the dull ache grows into a burn and the thud of your heart’s response resounds in your mouth. Your eyes scan their face – their face, their beautiful face – darting over a landscape you thought you knew. You see them as if for the first time, in a long time. My darling, how you have changed! And you are hurting, did I not see the hurt before? Their terrific suffering so magnified. Immature problems that have consumed you for weeks discolor and recede. Bleached. They are insignificant to the hurt that is radiating from someone you love. The rings around their eyes are now your rings. Their bloodshot eyes your bloodshot eyes. Their furrowed brow, their consternation, mirrored in your face. Their tears, hidden or otherwise, you taste on your lips. Their distress, their utter fragility, exposing itself so clearly now, just in that inner eyebrow area. And… in how their smile fails to reach themselves. How have I smiled today? Knowing you were here like this. Blank eyes. Looking through you, past you, because they don’t have time for you now, they can’t have time for you. … You should have had time for them before. You should have had time for them before. Angry repetitions in your head. You should have had some time, just some time. You’ve been busy. You’ve been busy?! “I’ve been… busy.”

What were you doing, what were we doing that we got here? Where was I, when this happened? I remember seeing you, I remember having a good enough time. I don’t remember piecing together the obvious parts. Until now. Now, when every realization is exploding right next to my face, one after another, right around my temples. My eyes flicker with each burst semblance of a better life. Each more shocking, perplexing. And yet, no, what am I saying, not at all.

Numbing.

Muffling.

As if I am being layered with thick blankets of cotton wool. Carefully laid upon me, one after another. And I am drawing my knees to my chest and I am laying my head on my hands and I’m collapsing softly, ever so softly, into a cotton wool lasagna cocoon.

How did we get here?! My naiveté somehow remains steadfast into my adult years. I thought we were doing relatively well. Relatively I say, meaning the top of the pile of shit we had created for ourselves. Was I really so self-absorbed that I saw none of yours? I was too busy waiting for someone to save me that I didn’t see you.

I didn’t see you.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I disappeared inside myself. For so long, it seems. I considered you to be on top of things. What a ridiculous expectation, it seems now. I had such high standards of you. Once, for myself too. … Tell me something, before I go, am I overreacting? Is this, perhaps, how it is? How every one is? Do we all end up like this, more or less? Maybe this is the daily round. Maybe the time has come to smother my childhood ideals; they were misleading. Maybe – maybe – we are not doing too badly on the spectrum of human chaos. The explosions come thick and fast and too often to not convince me that we have all hit a rather bleak trajectory.

But. No. I am too proud to let this be your story. Because you, because we, cannot not get better. We have to get better. You have to get better.

Just a phase, just a phase, just a phase. It will sort itself out. It will get better. I will get better. We will get better.

Why are we always so tired? Change is good.

-Amy Van Burren

Graduation it's for real

Graduation is friday, and college is for real over. For the last three months my life's been sort of a fantasy, the proverbial getting your cake and eating it to.  I "graduated" meaning I didn't have anymore school work, I got a job and started making money, and all my friends were still in school meaning they still had plenty of time to hang out and even work around my now constricted schedule.  I'm living the good life, but alas it cannot last forever.  And graduation for real looms at large.

This summer is going to be busy, house hunting, helping 926 get renovated for the guys, meeting a bunch of new employee's at work, company retreats, more traveling, and more.  It's going to busy, it's going to be real, real adult life. When I think about it like that, I get a twinge of fear, but it's coupled with deep sense of longing, even excitement! I want to see what the next steps God has for me.

Hell I'm 22 I still have so much time to try stuff, fail, learn, try again, and make my way through adult life.  But it's crazy to me to say, I'm looking for a house, a HOUSE, it's like slap to my adolescent senses, this is the big leagues.  How did this happen so fast! A year ago, I was a complete emotional wreck, distrustful of God, of family, of people, now my mind and heart are back to the best they've been since I can remember, and I can feel the effect of Matty at full capacity, it's exhilarating!

God has blessed these last few months, but Graduation is soon and thus ends my college life, on to the future that looks oh so bright.

Dance Party

I think I had the best impromptu dance party last night, ever.  "Nothing is better than the dance" - some sexy spaniard that I don't know the name of...

Strange feeling in the back of my mind

So I've had a strange feeling in the back of my mind, one that's sort of been growing steadily.  I couldn't really place it, it was making me a little upset, like giving anxiety pains, moments where I wanted to cry, or moments when I'd get upset at what someone said for reasons I couldn't place, strange stuff.  Because overtly nothings wrong, I have a job, I have friends, I'm fine, no problems with anyone, in fact, I've been fixing relationships, not breaking them! Which is a definite change for me!  So what is the feeling.

Can't really say what it is exactly, but I would say its stemmed from people just not getting who I am.  I know that sentence makes me sound like the biggest arrogant prick on the planet.  But it's rooted in the fact that I think I've been friends with certain people for long enough time and I would like to think that those people would start to understand how I think, what I do, and why I do it. Not in everything, because that's unreasonable, but in somethings.

So instead of ranting that people don't understand, (because it's petty and people deserve better than that) I'll tell you a few things I understand about myself and maybe that will stop any misperceptions.  And stop this rampant conceitedness inside me.

Things I like to think I understand about myself:
Understanding #1 -  I know where I'm going almost always. Virtually no exceptions. if I don't know, I ask.

Understanding #2 -  Related to #1, I'm not afraid to admit that I don't know something, or have no idea how to do something.  I am never above looking like the dumbest person in the room, and will ask ridiculously stoopid questions, that will often get the response "Really, you don't know ____" Also of note in that moment, even though I not above asking that question, it really hurts and embarrasses me when anyone answers like that.  Probably not alone in those sentiments.

Understanding #3 - I think I'm a pretty generous person, I give more than I receive, so with that in mind, when I give something to you, wether that be time, money, energy, focus, appreciation, or whatever. Please know there are no strings attached, it is given freely, so please don't act like I'm a used car salesman trying to scam you out of something or trying to get you to do something later. I don't keep score, ever. So please respect me. Don't treat my generosity like your entitled to it, or that its strange and weird coming from me. It hurts my soul when people respond to me like that.

Understanding #4 - I like to think I care about other people, more than I care about myself, that being said when I ask a question about how you are or what's going on in your life, etc. I really want to know. It's not some pleasantry I'm exchanging with you for my own ego.  I care and have a genuine intrest in how your doing and how I can best love you.  I very much dislike one or two word answers, I'm not asking how your doing so you can say "good" or "fine", I'm looking for a "life's going well right now because ..." insert any accolade or great thing you want, because deep down all I want for any of my friends is the best life possible for them, and I want to be apart of that life, and understand that life, because that life is worth knowing.

Understanding #5 - I am incapable of saying the word "no", I like to think of myself as Mr. Dependable, I think being dependable is the best quality to have in a friend, so of course I take it to the extreme. Mix this overtly extreme quality with generosity and honor code towards commitment that even a monk would envy and you get a complete and utter lack of control in self-sacrifice, I would probably chop off my left arm if it would mean that much to someone.  Realize I try to control this, but fail miserably all the time.  So I'm asking, set boundaries on what you ask of me, I can't set my own.

Understanding #6 - I like to think I'm a renaissance man, namely it means that I'm in to just about everything, if you like it chances are I'm going to like it too.  Rarely do I come across something I dislike even slightly. So I would be pleased to discuss or be apart of anything that you would like to talk about or go too.  Trust me I'm never bored by a conversation of any kind, if your willing to explain what you think about it.

I have more, but it's getting late and I got's work in the morning.

Senior Appreciation Video

This is my farewell video for Senior appreciation, since I can't be their I'm posting it now, mostly because its sitting on my desktop and its making me slightly sad lol.

UPDATE: this isn't the full thing, the last couple minutes wouldn't upload I'll work on a solution lol

Long Lost Friends (and finding them)

I don't know how many of you have friends from years past, that you haven't talk to in ages, or haven't been keeping up with all that regularly, but I realized I have a lot.  By a lot I mean a shit ton. haha.  Anywho, skipping some of the gory details, a lot of these friendships were left in various states.  But recently many people have contacted me or I've run in to them or some strange and divine occurrence has happened and bam I'm talking to them again.

For instance, my closest friend from elementary school, Chandler Laroff contacted me just last week, it's been odds on probably 10 years, it was unbelievable, all things he'd done, and some of the misfortunes, but it was great to hear from someone that you shared so much of your life with back as kids.  I think I directly owe all my geeky-ness to Chandler.

I also recently ran into my good friends Billy and Jonie, I went over to their house and we had dinner, played some awesome Hand and Foot action, genuinely had a good time.  It almost felt like the friendship had aged, not in the sense of decay, but in the sense of a fine wine, it became more refined, dignified, respected, and cherished.  Because all of us knew that people come and go, but the people that love you always find a way to stay.   It was good to catch up, to hear about their lives, to be back in, for a brief moment, the complex life of a friend.  Realizing that God had intertwined your lives for your benefit.  It was a reverent experience, one that I hope to not soon forget.  I feel like Billy and Jonie always encouraged me to follow my heart, and things hadn't changed, they were excited about the new phase in my life, and the places God was going to take me.  I love all the friends that surround me, but I've really missed older friends (by older I mean in age).  It's nice when other people have the answers sometimes :P.

And finally the biggest unexpected reconciliation is with my friend Kevin, we saw each other last on New Year's of this year.  So not to long by my other friends standards, but for Kevin and I we were inseparable, so time has a magnifying effect in this instance.  We were ignoring each other for a variety of reasons, most of which I can't share, because of trust, but needless to say there were quite a few reasons.  But on Tuesday of last week he called me and asked if we could go to dinner.  So I hastily agreed, I had wanted to call to do the same, but could never get the courage to step up.  So we went to dinner and it basically became an apology session, neither of us wanted our friendship to continue how it was going, and really had missed each other.  It was a great night, one I'll remember. If the time ever comes to reconcile again, it will give me more courage about the love that is shared amongst friends and it's importance.

Old friends seem to remind us of where we come from, they return us to the place of when life was "more simple" maybe even happier, but really old friends are a reminder that all things can decay, all things can be destroyed, but true love for another is eternal.

Life Is Going Good

What can I say, Life is going good, I've finally got the hang of working, my family has finally thrown me into the adult category,  I'm going and hanging out with my friends basically every night of the week, movies, beach, dinner, hanging out, all sorts of fun stuff.  This is what spring-life is all about, and best of all no homework, no tests, no jumping through hoops, just God, friends, family, and paychecks lol. I love the simplicity of it all, all the tug-o-war of time management no longer exists, it just vanished.  Gone with the proclamation of graduation.  Maybe I'll get bored of the simplicity, of the lack of complexity in my life, but for right now, I'll enjoy the eye of the hurricane, the rest before new adventures take me hold and send me to the ends of the world.  Right now I'll live in the moment, and trust that God will guide me, and place the opportunities to love in my path, because that's what livings all about.

Frustration

Why can't I get done with my assignment at work? why are some problems just to complex to be broken down? Ugg... my head feels like it's ready to explode from the shear information that is circulating in it. It's just so frustrating the amount of effort needed to progress just 1%! Argggggggggg......!!!>!>!!>!>>!>!> Glad I got that out of my system.

Thankfulness begets Happiness

My friend Julie posted this awesome clip from the Conan O'Brian show, I'll post it down below, but the gist of it is that the guy thinks we don't appreciate enough of the world around us, and it's because we think it should be given to us.  And if we were all a little more in awe or thankful for what we have, we would be a much happier society.  Something about that thought really struck a cord.

I've been going through a sudo-depression phase for a little bit after I graduated (though I recently figured a lot out, see last post), and I think the root of it was that attitude I stated up above. Let me tell you, as soon as I realized how blessed I was, my mood changed almost instantly.  I definitely didn't feel sad anymore, I was like hell ya life is awesome!

I realized I was so thankful for all my friends, how they support me, how they make me laugh, how they make feel welcome, how they provide me with so much purpose, how when I leave for work I can't wait to get back to see them.  I'm am beyond blessed, it's almost unreal.

I realized I was so thankful for having a family that never struggled financially, how much more stress that would have caused my already hard to manage family, how walking out of college debt-free sets you up for the rest of your life, how I can count on them to help when it counts,  how their knowledge of the world has made me wiser, more knowledgeable, and allows me to help others.  I am truly blessed to have been influenced and formed into a hard worker from my family.  For them I am blessed.

I realized I was so thankful for all the growth that God has put me through, how I've changed to think more positively, how he's allowed me to achieve my dreams, how I can't get enough of sharing his wisdom with people.  How he's formed me to be deeply empathetic, to care, to want whats best for others, how that brings so much joy to my life, watching others succeed.  How he made me analytical, a skill for detail, and how that allows me to be a better friend and follower.  I am thankful for being able smile and make others smile.

I am most thankful for love, how God loves me and how he injected me with a lot of it, I am most thankful that God continually provides me with opportunities to love and be loved, its an action at the core of my functioning being.  The root of my joy, the path I want to follow.  I am so thankful for so much more, I'm so so thankful, for I've been truly blessed.

Lessons From Only 6 inches of Water

You ever here those stories about those people that drown in six inches of water? or is it a foot? It doesn't matter, the point is when you read that all you can think of is, why didn't they just stand up?  I was confronted with that very question maybe a week ago.  About myself.  Something just clicked. It was in that moment where I realized all my problems were like 6 inches of water.  They weren't a vast ocean in which the hero must cross to conquer the world-shattering evil. They were just six inches of water.  I realized that all my problems weren't out of my control, they could be influenced by choices I could make.  All I had to do was stand-up.

For one I was feeling this deep seeded loneliness, feeling that no one was going to be there when I got older, or even in a few months.  Well I realized I could do a few things about that. One, ask people to live with me, they always reserve the right to say no or change their mind.  And it's my regret if I'm alone and I never asked anyone if they wanted to live with me.  Two, just call people and set-up doing stuff, you can't possibly swing and miss catching everyone all the time. I have a bunch more free time, I don't know why I felt like work loads were going to continue on at maximum capacity when that's just not the case. So if I want people or even certain people in my life it's time to be proactive and make sure the're there.

Lesson One: If you want it fight for it.

Second thing was the seemingly hopelessness of my family relationships, the ever expanding black hole of negativity that I felt that emanated from that place seemed to abate.  This was for a variety of reasons, but one was I really and truly (and finally) saw my parents as broken people.  Ok that sounds horrible, but think about it in the "I saw them for who they were, not for who they represented to me" kind of way.  And I realized all the demands they have and want of me, comes from a place of deep need.  And it was upon that understanding, where I seeded my pride over in the relationship.  By seeding my pride over I mean, stopped making the entire situation about me, feeling like I was the victim, that I was the one being oppressed, and from those feelings putting up tons of barriers to interacting with them in love.  They are in great need and the Lord has put me in this family to effect positive change.  And the only way I could do that, is to realize it's not all about me.

Lesson Two: Its not all about you

Third thing was this great purposelessness for my life, the sort of, "I graduated college now what?" dilemma.  It just felt like, man I've completed everything that was asked of me. Wrong.  How short-sighted is that, 22 and you felt like you've completed life. Ya right, good try kid. God basically slapped my apathetic and self-pitying self in the face and said are you crazy, wake up! There is work to be done! I have a plan for you, I've always had a plan for you, so instead of being caught up where your going to be in 5 years, where are you going to be tomorrow?  Trust in me is what God said, follow my baby steps and you will find that mature and complete life in me you want.  The fix was a little bit of faith, a little listening, and a little bit less worrying lol.  God is good, he has put me in a wonderful place, with wonderful people, with work to be done. With purposelessness removed, game on!

Lesson Three: Entrust the if's and when's of your life to God for he will not lead you astray

A Journey of a 1000 steps starts with one.

Unattainable Goals and Growth

Coming to college I set 3 goals. One was to graduate and have a job. Check. Two was to find friends that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Check.  Three was to find myself, my identity. Empty box.  The truth of the matter is I failed, I didn't discover who I was, I didn't have this dawning understanding that ended with "yup that's you Matty".   But the reality of the situation is that I set an unattainable goal.  A goal that I could never reach, that isn't reachable.  Knowing who you are is a process, its not a new stage of enlightenment, its like a flower unfurling its petals at the start of every spring only to have them die at the end of fall,  a microcosm of birth and death. As parts of us grow out of the things we once knew and loved, our core kills off those parts of us, replacing them with new growth in different and new areas.

If identity is a process and always shifting how can you know it? Exactly, how can you know it? the knowledge is not easily obtainable, but what is obtainable is the understanding of our growth patterns.  What exactly does that mean? Well think of a Sun flower, it has no conception of how it grows, but year after year, cycle after cycle, it keeps becoming a more mature and complete Sun Flower, eliminating its diseases,  growing stronger & taller to adapt to it's surroundings.  But imagine the Sun Flower was uprooted from it's place of growth in say a field and was then put in a forest without sunlight, a place of decay for it.  The core of the Sun Flower may come back cycle after cycle and not know how, but it will never be stronger then the year before.  This is what I mean by growth patterns.

 The core essence of us can only be glimpsed at through interactions. As a person we can know where we're at, we can know how we feel, we can know how others make us feel. That is as far as certainty goes.  But what we can definitely see is how our physical surrounding effects us.  The people, the places, the decisions we make, all of it affects us. This we can map, I like to hang out with these type of people, I like to do this on the weekends, I find enjoyment in this, I feel a sense of fulfillment at this place in my life.  And so like the Sun Flower we grow, we go through many seasons of ups and downs, but growth happens.  It is our job to find that place that we can grow even if we don't know how it's happening.  And not set unattainable goals that can derail us from that growth.