Stood Up

If anyone's ever been stood up, you know how I feel right now.  Is it sad that they're such familiar feelings.  They're so familiar I'm not even upset at the person at all really. It's like being rejected, disappointed, and sad are part of my genome.  I mean to put it bluntly, it's not like I was going to do anything else with my evening, no one else called me, facebooked me, texted me or anything, its not like I turned down anything and then got stood up.  So really I should be thanking the person for even entertaining the idea of spending a few hours with me.  I guess it was the thought that counted.

Now not calling me to cancel and having the waitress look at me like "you poor sap"that was unnecessarily cruel.  I know my feelings don't really matter and all, as the rest of my heart seems to be only vapor and dust. There is really no part of me left that isn't tarnished, assaulted, and abused.  It's torturous to me to see how little people care about my needs.  How I can dance in front of them like a little insane monkey trying to get their attention, praying "just think about me one time after we part", it's pathetic.  I think I've finally given up all hope for a mutual relationship, one where I'm not just giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, giving.  I'm exhausted from all the giving, from all the rejection, form all the lack of kindness being thrown my way, from everyone else's problems and responsibilities, from being used up like a piece of toilet paper and simply flushed away with the rest of the shit.

I shouldn't be crying anymore because of this.  I should be so used to it by now. But yet the tears fall because I want it so badly.  Honestly, my body and mind can't take much more of this, brutal, soul-crushing, punishment.  It's been 22 years of this shit, since the day I was born, put to work like some beast of burden, for everyone else's gain.   And I can't even get someone to show up to dinner & movie.

 (both of which I was paying for)