Always Last Place

I think the title speaks for it's self, as much as I get ahead on all the life issues, it always feels like I'm in last place.  Now after going to SummerCon that isn't necessarily a bad thing, actually it's probably the best thing for my soul, "The last shall be first", but man does it hurt.  I just feel even if I do something right, help out here, sacrifice there, I get totally smacked down for doing it.  Like helping others was some capital offense.  I think I could take all the grief a lot better, from the few that give it, if it didn't always feel like people only talked to me because they ran out of other options for "fun" friends and/or they need to use me for something or some problem.

I understand what Jesus was saying about being the slave of all, it's denying your own needs in place of another's, and submitting to their needs.  But it's not just another person, it's ten other people, twenty other people, with no respite.  I never feel like I'm included or I belong.  I just feel like I'm always sitting on the edge of a group waiting to serve the next person.  I don't know...when I look at Jesus for an example he seems to me to be the most integral part of the group, the hub of the spoke and wheel analogy.  But I've never felt integral to anything or anyone.  I guess that's good in a way, keeps me humble, nothing humbles a person like being able to be replaced.

I don't know where this blog post is going, it just frustrates me that when the shit hit's the fan, I'm the first one to clean up the shit and the fan, but when anything remotely enjoyable might be happening, I have to stumble over that person doing it, or literally LITERALLY have to be told "no one else is around and I'm bored lets hang out!"  implying that their is only one option worse than you and that's being alone.  How the f*** do you think I feel?  I guess I need to work on being more like-able...