The Life of a Boulder

I've heard it described to me, at one time or another, that some people are like boulders. "Like Boulders?" I  said, "Yes like a boulder".  I remember laughing, thinking who would I describe like a boulder.  I mean boulders are large, dense, almost unstoppable inanimate objects. Pictures of Indiana Jones fly through my head.  "I mean people mostly run from boulders when there moving." I said wryly, trying to move the issue, I was getting uncomfortable.  But this person pushed and said in all seriousness,"Matthew you are a boulder".  My mind sort of halted, I mean they used my full first name, that's what told me they were serious.  I could only imagine a person's personality as a boulder, intimidating, unforgiving, cold, hard, not easily moved.  Not really much positive in that thought.  So of course I got defensive, "How so?".  They responded, taking into account my defensive posture, "A boulder can be your greatest friend or your greatest enemy" Now intrigued, they continued, "Sure if you look at a boulder coming at you head on, you run, you get out of the way, otherwise it will crush you.  But it will crush you because it has to, it cannot be easily adjusted or moved.  Only a great force can turn a boulder in motion. And not many possess that force of will.  But imagine you are behind that boulder, how secure would a person feel to be behind a near unstoppable object.  And imagine a person followed that boulder, how safe their path would be. They could count on all the obstacles being removed." Understanding more, yet not certain I fit that description, they press seeing my skepticism,"Look at your life, if you take all the events of your life, and really just the ones that I know about, look at all the destruction you have caused, and how that has all 'magically' turned into positives, do you really think your that lucky?"..."Of course not, I've worked hard to get where I'm at"..."exactly"  Thus that conversation ended.  But the point remains clear, it's not easy being friends with a boulder, they can be your greatest friend or your greatest adversary.  Unfortunately, it's hard to tell from my perspective were I'll end up, but I'll just keep rolling on.

Number 100

This is my 100th post!!! Its been an entire year since I started blogging!  So of course some reflection is in order.  I've been going back and reading some of my posts, and well...some are good, some are bad, and some are interesting/different haha.  But mostly what I see is: I've changed. It's strange to think that this blog is one year recorded in my life. Of course it's not every moment, but it is a lot of the emotion, thought process, circumstance, and insight of my life.  And it's been fun/intense writing it.

Is it weird to have a few favorites of your own "writing"(like my blogging can be considered writing haha). There are definitely some posts that I favor over others.  The writings better, funnier, my point is clearer, or I really don't sound like a douche bag. I definitely like all those posts the best haha.

Thanks to everyone who reads it, even though I don't know exactly who, it's nice to know that what you have to say is being heard by someone.  Here's to another year!

Moral Relativism

Can't we all just agree somethings are wrong and other things are right. Can't we just argue it out until the last point has been decided and compromised on.  So that we then can all agree to grow-up and work together instead of arbitrarily forcing people on opposite sides of the morality fence.  It's like the grass is greener on the other side problem, only in reverse. That a person is always wrong until they join my team, then all of a sudden there always right.  It just makes no sense, were has the value for universal truth gone.  I guess it got destroyed in the wake of everyone realizing they can't always get what they want, forcing them to revert to children.  I just think so many people need to grow-up, get over themselves, and realize there is more to life then there own selfish wants and desires.

Sleep

I've just been having the worst sleep lately, I wake up like 4 or 5 times a night, then I'm like a caffeine zombie throughout the day.  I just never feel rested and always on edge.  Always thinking to myself, "damn gurl damn take a chill pill, you neeeeeed to relax yoself".  Ugggg... I wish I was the worlds heaviest sleeper.  It would make the days be more enjoyable.  And I wouldn't feel the ever present urge to close my eyes, I swear it's like staring at the sun.  I just function so awkwardly right now, like a rapid squirrel seeking his stash, I'm just focusing on silly stuff, because my mind is so sleep deprived.  Maybe I need some warm milk and a cat to cuddle with before bed.

Happiness and Boredom

This last week has been busy, real busy.  But I haven't been this happy in a long while.  Though this week at work is like mind-crushingly boring, heres to hoping it gets better.

Interview

I think it would be pretty cool to be interviewed sometime.  I watch Piers Morgan on CNN a lot of nights, he has interesting guests, and I like hearing what they have to say on communal topics, and of course there personal lives as well.  I just think it would be cool to be interviewed sometime, for people to tune in to hear what you have to say, just be listened to, that would be pretty cool.

Walking Dreams

I've been having the strangest dreams lately, its a reoccurring one.  It always starts out the same way, I always awaken(?) in a meadow, one that's filled with thousands of wild flowers.  All shapes and sizes, sort of like Willie Wonka, but without all the candy.  The sun is in the intense glow of sunset just sitting above the horizon line.  I eventually always seem to stumble down a path, I can't tell if it parts from the flowers or if it's always there. I don't think it matters, but I wonder.

As I walk along this path, my friends, those past and present, line the path. There all crying.  Some of those friends I've never seen crying before, but all the same they are weeping like they have suffered the worst tragedy.  None of them ever talk to me, like visibly talk to me, like I mean move there mouths.  But I always here there voices just the same, I can't understand what they say, I just know it's there voice.

Depending on the night, I'll sometimes try to stop and talk to them, understand why there crying, the friends always shift they aren't the same every night.   I never get an answer, but I try anyway, some nights.  Other nights I just continue walking, often times running when the voices combine to much.  I eventually reach a clearing amongst all the flowers.  There is always some tool of communication sitting there waiting for me.  A phone, a computer, a morse-code machine (random right?), strange stuff.  I always go up to it and try to communicate through it. Someone anonymous person always answers, but I eventually get frustrated with the conversation, because he/she/wolfzombie (sorry a joke) constantly responds with I don't understand.

In my frustration I end up ending the conversation in anger, and I look up to see all my friends surrounding me.  There still crying, but they can see me now.  They all reach out there hands to try and touch me,  slowly they all move forward. But in that moment a strange feeling always floods over me.  The feeling you get when you know it's to late, like an opportunity has come and gone or you missed out on something.  Then they touch me and I jolt awake.  Always at 7:00 a.m., like my body was somehow programmed to experience this in the same way for the exact amount of time.

I don't know what I think about the dream, so far it just sits in the strange zone, but maybe more will come to light.

Dreams filled with Wisdom

I had a strange dream last night.  It was filled with random sayings/wisdom, stuff I'd never heard before.  Or couldn't remember hearing before.  I'm not sure the meaning of the dream or remember all the sayings, but I'll try my best.

1. The present feels like a trap, only when the past and future feel like an escape.
2. Appreciate what you have now, because what you might have may come, but what you do have may go.
3. Dance like you will never dance again, because no one ever plans on not being able to dance again.
4. What you do think is only a small part of what you can think.
5. Real lives begin and end. But your imagination lasts forever.
6. Truth is the ointment to sooth the tortured soul.
7. The moment you feel fear, is the moment you give up living your life, and start to live someone else's.

If I remember more I'll post them, but it was like a waterfall of information, I just couldn't keep track of it all.

Prayer of the Fearful

Lord where is my courage, why do I fear when I am surrounded by your presence.  How can any decision be bigger than you?  It cannot.  Lord the world surrounds me with its judgement, it surrounds me with its hate, but Lord you surround me with your love. Your love begets goodness and grace, thank you for righteousness.  Lord only you can give wisdom, I fear to be the fool in your sight.  May my path be forever in your light, may you make my bent path straight to your sight. Though I've stared into the void, you have always held me in the tightest of embraces.  You wouldn't let me fall even if I through myself; and for that I am forever grateful.  I know if I make a decision in you it is pure and righteous.  I pray that you keep my mind focused away from the darkness that attacks my heart, may you keep my tortured soul sane and soothed with your ointment of truth.  Lord I fear for my minds health, because it has lived in fear for so long, allow your grace to take hold and the fear to evaporate. Lord you are my sword and shield in the battle for my heart.  Lord let nothing spoil your creation.  Lord thank you for loving me, even though I don't deserve it, I am blessed beyond measure just to know you.

We Fell in Love in a Hopeless Place

I've had this song on repeat all day, even crossfaded it so that it just sounds like one constant stream. First thing I'm gonna do after I'm off work is dance to this song like crazy.

On the Thought of telling your Parents

I've recently thought a lot about telling my parents that I'm gay.  Sometimes I wish they would stumble across my blog, or my journal, or one of my friends would slip, just so I wouldn't have to muster up the courage to tell them.  The dam would break without any effort.  Is it sad that I fear it so much.  It wouldn't be the end of the world, just the end of my relationship with my parents.  I know what they'd say, how disappointed they are, how they tried so hard to raise me right, but I just had fuck up everything (like always). I  think as long as there wasn't a gay person in the family they were totally cool, but I just know they could never live with the thought of there only son being gay.  It's sad because I know they would lack compassion.  They would try to humiliate me and guilt trip me out of it, like I have a choice.  They would use all my relationships against me, just because they think that would make me change.

There would be no place for me in my family, because at least I was tolerable when I was successful.  But being gay would be the last straw, ready for the stack to be burnt.  All of my achievements would mean nothing, become sub-human, tainted in the minds of my loved ones.  I do love them.  That's ultimately what holds me back, the anguish that it would cause them, the thought is unbearable to me.  Most people think, well do if for yourself. I can't. The thought of me even attempting something selfish hurts, there's no way I could go through with it consciously.

I guess I just ask what would change and would it be better.  And I honestly can say things would change and they wouldn't make things better.  I can't escape, because there's nowhere to go.  I can't run because there's nowhere to hide.  And I can't answer, because there's no truth I can tell.  As long as I'm miserable everyone is happy, and is it worth my happiness to forsake theirs? Because I'll have no one but myself to blame for the retribution.

Living in fear isn't living, it's dying. At least for one day, I would like to be myself, for all the world to see. To love or to hate. To feel alive. But I'm afraid I forgot what I look like.

Familiar Feelings

Right now I feel the way I did during high school.  Disappointed, saddened, feeling the pull of depression and dourness.  I had escaped those for awhile during college, because there was such constant connectedness with the positivity of others.  I realize I'm not happy right now, I fooling my self to say otherwise.  I'm trying to become stronger so I can resist these feelings, these paralyzing feelings.  I'm trying to deal with my problems without intervention.  But I realize how weak I am.  How dependent I am  on other people for my emotional stability.  

I don't know how to fix the problems of loneliness, I can't make people want me around more, and acceptance, I can't make my parents and others like my decisions or who I am.  They are almost entirely out of my control at this point.  I can only communicate how I feel so much, before it turns to pleading for pity.  I just wish this moment didn't feel so familiar, like college was the calm before the adult storm.  To tell you the truth, the way I know it feels like high school, is for the first time in a long time, I wish to be someone else. 

Rain

Rain, Rain, wash away, all of my pain today.
Rain, Rain, take away, the pressures of my day to day.
Rain, Rain, hold at bay, my heart that wants a way.
Rain, Rain, turn and stay, won't you come back someday.