Fragile

In these last few weeks I've seen how fragile I am.  After gaining some clarity, I see now that my life hangs in a precarious position, balanced between 4 lives, one of work, one of calling, one of suffering, one of obligation.  All sit upon a person that is like a chemist in a lab with 4 experiments going on at the same time, stressed, running around like a crazy person, with nothing to show for it.  My life is fragile, if but one of those lives gets out of containment, all of them will come crashing down.  To the people involved with those lives my crash would affect them only slightly, no one is irreplaceable, and sadly enough I know it.  So really the crash is wiping away all the work I have done, all the struggle, all the perseverance, all of my life.  And to know that my life is that fragile, to know that at any moment I could be crushed under the surge of inability and have everything be taken from me.  I'm afraid, I know I'm reaching that point. Of utter collapse. And I'm afraid of the aftermath.  I feel as if everything in my life is built on vapor and clouds, and all I want is someone, God, anyone just to pull me close and tell me its worth it, your worth it, I love you, and you'll be safe with me.  Blazing trails leads you into the wilderness, its cold and dark out there.  I just need a fire to keep me warm and to light my path.  I feel as if I'm going into hypothermia, waking up just in time to realize I've been dieing.  To realize how breakable I am, how weak my identity is, how disposable my life is.  All I want is to be safe, removed from judgment, buffered against the elements of life, and loved for who I am, not what I do.  I'm so lonely, I feel like I can't make a connection with anyone, I try so hard to get in other peoples' worlds just to ease the pain of feeling so alone.  I just wish it wasn't always a struggle, that I could form natural bonds, that every decision in a relationship doesn't have to be some calculated dance.  That every conversation wasn't an intense internal battle of what to say or what not to say.  It tears me down, it makes feeble, insecure, and afraid.  Feeling connectionless makes me feel fragile, forgettable, and all together worthless as a person.  I feel like all I want is to know that I'm worthwhile, that beyond a shadow of a doubt that, if and when my house of cards falls, someone would want to play 52 card pick-up with my life. I'm tired of writing this, peace.