Cold

Tonight was cold, not only was it cold outside, but man did I realize how cold my heart is.  I was being presented with some terribly hard truths in my life and yet my heart was barely moved.  I was shocked, me who thought he wore his heart on his sleeve, had only a flutter in his heart, and at that moment I realized something was seriously wrong with me.

Today I ran in to a good friend of mine, she walked up to me, and immediately said what was on her mind.  She said, "Is something wrong, you look like your in turmoil", to me I was like "how could she get any of that from literally seeing me for 3 seconds", but she continued and said all I get is chaos from you.  It was strange that she would use the word chaos, me who feels like their life is so ordered, a time management schedule that makes wedding planners cry, and yet she would call me out saying you are nothing but chaos.  The sad thing was I wasn't even phased, I just answered with a perfectly prepared answer of just having a lot of energy drawn out in a lot of different places.  Not even pondering the question of how I felt about her statement of chaos.

That set of events is a perfect representation of how cold I have become, I can't even feel for myself, not even about something that some one calls out.  I can't even be angry, upset, happy, reluctant, defensive, or any other host of emotions and reactions.  All I felt was passive, subdued, almost didn't even registered that I was suppose to feel anything towards what was being said to me, only to react to what should be said back, what should be done to get through.  What a terrible robot I've become.  All I've done is suppress every feeling so it can't weaken me, so that I can keep my energy up, without being torn apart from being so upset about so much.  What else was I suppose to do?  I tried talking with people, I tried going to God, I tried changing my life, nothing worked, it was my last resort to suppress everything.

When I write this my inside is cold, I'm writing because I have to think to get out this thought or it would drive me insane, but I can't seem to register what I'm feeling, only that its off.  Its freezing in my head, I just want to feel what it is that normal people are suppose to feel.  I'm sick of being compelled by purpose, but not registering what the hell I'm supposed to be feeling.  WHY! WHY! I know this week we've been talking about secrets, but I've had my final secret for forever, I'll probably never talk about it, someone said it was what was keeping me lonely.  But the sad reality is it would rain judgment down on me faster than anything else in my entire life.  Who would ask for that? I'm not exactly happy, but I"m not exactly miserable either, people at least tolerate me.

I don't exactly have the answers to my problems, I just know there driving me insane and all I feel is nothing but a bitter chill.