This song is so deep to me, I've probably listened to it 40 times by now, I literally think that the first verse is my life.
"Everyday I fight for
All my future somethings,
A thousand little wars
I have to choose between,
I could spend a lifetime
Earning things I don’t need,
That’s like chasing rainbows
And coming home empty"
Always striving for what? Fighting for what? The future, all the lives I could of had or want to have. I'm never satisfied with my own, having to be better.
The second verse I swear mirror's how I view myself, always on, always speaking my heart, always wearing it on my sleeve. I guess I realized that when I examined my identity, to see if there was something deeper underneath the surface, I found that there is very little underneath the surface, I let most of it all-hangout there. Finding security that in my identity was openness.
I don't need a microphone
To say what I been thinking,
My heart is like a loudspeaker
Thats always on eleven,
And if you strip me,
Strip it all away
If you strip me,
What would you find
If you strip me,
Strip it all away
I’m still the same
And finally the chorus, the story of my life, my past. That at the end of the day, everyone that has taken any part of me, take it all, keep it, its yours. And realize you only took part of me and you can't take my entire identity with you.
Take what you want,
Steal my pride,
Build me up
Or cut me down to size,
Shut me out
But I’ll just scream,
I'm only one voice in a million
But you ain't taking that from me.
Because behind it all, the brokenness, bruises, memories, there is still a voice, a person.
Strip Me- Natasha Beddingfield
Monday, November 29, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Funny Faces hmm....
Ya so I'm trying something different, how about some video! But this is sort of a test video lol! Funny faces that make no sense, but hey hopefully you'll be able to hear the T-swift in the back lol!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Agape
So this week I've been thinking a lot about love. I've been thinking a lot about how I feel towards other people, to really examine the relationship, to see were I stand with them. Mostly I've been looking for this particular type of love, the Greeks defined it as Agape, or a deep passionate love or Godly love. This opposed to Filao, or a friendly love. Agape to me is allusive. When I start getting to know someone I don't necessarily focus on getting to Agape love right of the bat, but I definitely look to further my relationship until I reach Agape. To me the feeling materializes in the reference of a name, if I get the warm fuzzies by the mere mention of a name. I know I'm almost at that Agape love. To me the feeling is knowing that I would do anything for that person, that I long to know more about them, to make their life the best it can possibly be, to want to be a great friend to them. I know I've achieved that Agape love when it is so easy to seed my pride over to further that other persons life. Or that to be generous to them doesn't even register as strange or unnatural, but as a regular extension of our interaction. But most importantly, I know that Agape has taken me over when, in times of tragedy or triumph, I don't just feel for them, but I feel like them. That because of that love for them, I've learned to understand who they are, their inner thoughts and feelings, and that when they cry or laugh I don't only know their pain or joy, but I can be in their experience with them.
That my friends I feel is the crux of life, I think lately I've been sitting passively, waiting for others to make that Agape feeling real for me. But I've realized that to make that connection, to establish that love for another you have to work for it. And if I truly believe in that love, that its the best thing life has to offer, than I have to be willing to work for it with all my heart. No more self-pity of "why does nobody care for me", or "why do people not see the good things about me", its not about me. If someone wants to feel how I feel, I will welcome them with open arms, but that doesn't me I can't strive for Agape with another irregardless. Fairness in love is not about meeting someone half-way, but going the whole distance for them in the hopes they will go the whole distance for you in return. Life is Agape.
That my friends I feel is the crux of life, I think lately I've been sitting passively, waiting for others to make that Agape feeling real for me. But I've realized that to make that connection, to establish that love for another you have to work for it. And if I truly believe in that love, that its the best thing life has to offer, than I have to be willing to work for it with all my heart. No more self-pity of "why does nobody care for me", or "why do people not see the good things about me", its not about me. If someone wants to feel how I feel, I will welcome them with open arms, but that doesn't me I can't strive for Agape with another irregardless. Fairness in love is not about meeting someone half-way, but going the whole distance for them in the hopes they will go the whole distance for you in return. Life is Agape.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Cold
Tonight was cold, not only was it cold outside, but man did I realize how cold my heart is. I was being presented with some terribly hard truths in my life and yet my heart was barely moved. I was shocked, me who thought he wore his heart on his sleeve, had only a flutter in his heart, and at that moment I realized something was seriously wrong with me.
Today I ran in to a good friend of mine, she walked up to me, and immediately said what was on her mind. She said, "Is something wrong, you look like your in turmoil", to me I was like "how could she get any of that from literally seeing me for 3 seconds", but she continued and said all I get is chaos from you. It was strange that she would use the word chaos, me who feels like their life is so ordered, a time management schedule that makes wedding planners cry, and yet she would call me out saying you are nothing but chaos. The sad thing was I wasn't even phased, I just answered with a perfectly prepared answer of just having a lot of energy drawn out in a lot of different places. Not even pondering the question of how I felt about her statement of chaos.
That set of events is a perfect representation of how cold I have become, I can't even feel for myself, not even about something that some one calls out. I can't even be angry, upset, happy, reluctant, defensive, or any other host of emotions and reactions. All I felt was passive, subdued, almost didn't even registered that I was suppose to feel anything towards what was being said to me, only to react to what should be said back, what should be done to get through. What a terrible robot I've become. All I've done is suppress every feeling so it can't weaken me, so that I can keep my energy up, without being torn apart from being so upset about so much. What else was I suppose to do? I tried talking with people, I tried going to God, I tried changing my life, nothing worked, it was my last resort to suppress everything.
When I write this my inside is cold, I'm writing because I have to think to get out this thought or it would drive me insane, but I can't seem to register what I'm feeling, only that its off. Its freezing in my head, I just want to feel what it is that normal people are suppose to feel. I'm sick of being compelled by purpose, but not registering what the hell I'm supposed to be feeling. WHY! WHY! I know this week we've been talking about secrets, but I've had my final secret for forever, I'll probably never talk about it, someone said it was what was keeping me lonely. But the sad reality is it would rain judgment down on me faster than anything else in my entire life. Who would ask for that? I'm not exactly happy, but I"m not exactly miserable either, people at least tolerate me.
I don't exactly have the answers to my problems, I just know there driving me insane and all I feel is nothing but a bitter chill.
Today I ran in to a good friend of mine, she walked up to me, and immediately said what was on her mind. She said, "Is something wrong, you look like your in turmoil", to me I was like "how could she get any of that from literally seeing me for 3 seconds", but she continued and said all I get is chaos from you. It was strange that she would use the word chaos, me who feels like their life is so ordered, a time management schedule that makes wedding planners cry, and yet she would call me out saying you are nothing but chaos. The sad thing was I wasn't even phased, I just answered with a perfectly prepared answer of just having a lot of energy drawn out in a lot of different places. Not even pondering the question of how I felt about her statement of chaos.
That set of events is a perfect representation of how cold I have become, I can't even feel for myself, not even about something that some one calls out. I can't even be angry, upset, happy, reluctant, defensive, or any other host of emotions and reactions. All I felt was passive, subdued, almost didn't even registered that I was suppose to feel anything towards what was being said to me, only to react to what should be said back, what should be done to get through. What a terrible robot I've become. All I've done is suppress every feeling so it can't weaken me, so that I can keep my energy up, without being torn apart from being so upset about so much. What else was I suppose to do? I tried talking with people, I tried going to God, I tried changing my life, nothing worked, it was my last resort to suppress everything.
When I write this my inside is cold, I'm writing because I have to think to get out this thought or it would drive me insane, but I can't seem to register what I'm feeling, only that its off. Its freezing in my head, I just want to feel what it is that normal people are suppose to feel. I'm sick of being compelled by purpose, but not registering what the hell I'm supposed to be feeling. WHY! WHY! I know this week we've been talking about secrets, but I've had my final secret for forever, I'll probably never talk about it, someone said it was what was keeping me lonely. But the sad reality is it would rain judgment down on me faster than anything else in my entire life. Who would ask for that? I'm not exactly happy, but I"m not exactly miserable either, people at least tolerate me.
I don't exactly have the answers to my problems, I just know there driving me insane and all I feel is nothing but a bitter chill.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Humanity
What does it mean to be human? What does it mean to lack humanity? I think a lot of people have a lot of different answers to the questions. Its been plaguing me for awhile, those questions. For me I grab from many different traditions of what being human looks like. Being flawed, broken, in need of enlightenment, being driven by free will and its thronging for survival. Humanity to me seems nothing more than a competition over a glass pane mosaic that has been broken, with everyone trying to fit their piece back into the mosaic in a better position then where it was to begin with. Humanity can never achieve the perfectness of the original glass pane, but only seek to imitate its original's form and function. Thus, once humanity realizes, and I believe it has, *cough* Post-modernism *cough*, that the mosaic can never be the same as the original, they will seek to dominate that which it deems unconquerable. Like a four-year old at a museum that has been told not to touch the art, it is inexplicably drawn towards that which it has been told cannot be done. This competition is nothing but a short-sighted attempt to replace the original glass pane with another. It's the submission of the pursuit of perfection via an infusion of human chaos. Instead of constantly reminding ourselves that there was an original design, that the world had a purpose, a place for order. We disguise what we think and try to deceive ourselves into thinking that through blind tolerance the world will be made a better place. This, without actually seeing nor remembering that the mosaic was best in its original form. And furthermore that a mosaic is not only the pieces that make it up, but a holistic and collective vision of what its creator intended it to be.
Humanity, now more than ever, is lost within a sea of chaos. Before this new era we sought order, often times through unrighteous acts of war, hate, discrimination, and genocide. We wanted our world to be a place of peace and order for selfish gain, a way of controlling the world to fit our own self-edification. But I believe that when Martin Luther King Jr. made his speech, "I have a dream", he wanted not only the equality of rights for his people, but the equality of purpose for all of humanity. Mr. King saw that though White people had more power then Black people, the end goal of humanity was not to fight for power forever. But it was to achieve its purpose through unity, obtaining that which it had lost. Reclaiming a world that had fallen. Perfection.
Though humanity can never be perfect again, its purpose to never be fulfilled, it has a duty neigh a calling to try, yes to try to obtain perfection. Not in the way that social Darwinist think, nor eugenicists, for they lost sight of the perfection that had been intended. They believed that by perfecting humanity physically, genetically, it would bring about the immortalization of man as the dominant species of the universe, their universe. Spiting God for allowing us to fall, and allowing them to control the perceived chaos of their world. They missed the point, perfection was never meant to be physical, but an entirely spiritual experience.
That if you really think about the garden, what made it so perfect? Was it that Adam did not need or want of any food? That every physical comfort was tendered that made it so perfect? I don't believe that this is the end of perfection, because, though Adam may have eaten, God did not provide to complete him, to fill up a lack in him. Hunger had not been thought up nor invented, you cannot perfect that which does not exist. So what was the perfection of the garden? Its perfection lied within what man lacked. That man lacked a need for a moral compass, that man did not need the knowledge of good & evil, because he was one in unity with God, the creator. The perfection lied in the absence of the need for knowledge. And the pursuit of knowledge is a spiritual journey. Thus, the lack of that need needing to be satiated and fulfilled, is perhaps the perfection that God had intended.
Contrast that idea with today's world, what do we see, a world busting at the seems with information, were every nook and cranny of life is recorded, analyzed, documented, and archived. Where humanities thirst for knowledge is reaching a critical mass. That most people think there is just to much information out there to be able to know it all. What has all this information done to us? Some would say that it has made us more connected, that we as humans, being able to share our collective knowledge, has been a boon for the overall well-being of humanity. And I would be hard pressed to disagree. We have cures for many more diseases, we grow more food then ever before, we have created systems that now span continents. But again we miss the point, as we give in to the thirst for knowledge we seek to fulfill our own personal physical needs, never our spiritual. The Scientia that permeates the information age's society leaves humans feeling more connected physically, but more disconnected spiritually, unable to comprehend what their fellow man is going through, an epidemic of empathatic-less people. That in our own pursuit to end the suffering of the world, we neglect a more important pursuit, a pursuit which is ultimately the most important thing you can do while on this planet. That is to achieve a spiritual connection to the creator and to each other.
So what does it mean to be humanity? It means that, together, we are more than just individuals, we are a purposed entity, an entity that seeks unification of spiritual connectedness, that should be striving for more than solving the physical needs of today, but striving to regain that which God gave us in the beginning, a deep an eternal love and understanding for him and each other. A state of lacking nothing spiritually. That is what it means to be human.
Humanity, now more than ever, is lost within a sea of chaos. Before this new era we sought order, often times through unrighteous acts of war, hate, discrimination, and genocide. We wanted our world to be a place of peace and order for selfish gain, a way of controlling the world to fit our own self-edification. But I believe that when Martin Luther King Jr. made his speech, "I have a dream", he wanted not only the equality of rights for his people, but the equality of purpose for all of humanity. Mr. King saw that though White people had more power then Black people, the end goal of humanity was not to fight for power forever. But it was to achieve its purpose through unity, obtaining that which it had lost. Reclaiming a world that had fallen. Perfection.
Though humanity can never be perfect again, its purpose to never be fulfilled, it has a duty neigh a calling to try, yes to try to obtain perfection. Not in the way that social Darwinist think, nor eugenicists, for they lost sight of the perfection that had been intended. They believed that by perfecting humanity physically, genetically, it would bring about the immortalization of man as the dominant species of the universe, their universe. Spiting God for allowing us to fall, and allowing them to control the perceived chaos of their world. They missed the point, perfection was never meant to be physical, but an entirely spiritual experience.
That if you really think about the garden, what made it so perfect? Was it that Adam did not need or want of any food? That every physical comfort was tendered that made it so perfect? I don't believe that this is the end of perfection, because, though Adam may have eaten, God did not provide to complete him, to fill up a lack in him. Hunger had not been thought up nor invented, you cannot perfect that which does not exist. So what was the perfection of the garden? Its perfection lied within what man lacked. That man lacked a need for a moral compass, that man did not need the knowledge of good & evil, because he was one in unity with God, the creator. The perfection lied in the absence of the need for knowledge. And the pursuit of knowledge is a spiritual journey. Thus, the lack of that need needing to be satiated and fulfilled, is perhaps the perfection that God had intended.
Contrast that idea with today's world, what do we see, a world busting at the seems with information, were every nook and cranny of life is recorded, analyzed, documented, and archived. Where humanities thirst for knowledge is reaching a critical mass. That most people think there is just to much information out there to be able to know it all. What has all this information done to us? Some would say that it has made us more connected, that we as humans, being able to share our collective knowledge, has been a boon for the overall well-being of humanity. And I would be hard pressed to disagree. We have cures for many more diseases, we grow more food then ever before, we have created systems that now span continents. But again we miss the point, as we give in to the thirst for knowledge we seek to fulfill our own personal physical needs, never our spiritual. The Scientia that permeates the information age's society leaves humans feeling more connected physically, but more disconnected spiritually, unable to comprehend what their fellow man is going through, an epidemic of empathatic-less people. That in our own pursuit to end the suffering of the world, we neglect a more important pursuit, a pursuit which is ultimately the most important thing you can do while on this planet. That is to achieve a spiritual connection to the creator and to each other.
So what does it mean to be humanity? It means that, together, we are more than just individuals, we are a purposed entity, an entity that seeks unification of spiritual connectedness, that should be striving for more than solving the physical needs of today, but striving to regain that which God gave us in the beginning, a deep an eternal love and understanding for him and each other. A state of lacking nothing spiritually. That is what it means to be human.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Today
I was just feeling motivated to write something today based solely on the beauty of the clouds in the sky. Its amazing that God can produce a piece of art right before your eyes and allow you to watch it develop. Seeing the different wisps and puffs moving throughout the sky, the radiance of the sun creating almost a pop-out effect on the clouds. It reminds me that today can always be better than yesterday, that tomorrow, can be better than today, and that tomorrow's tomorrow can't be imagined. I think that the simple things give me the most joy, there often times hidden in plain sight, you just have to be looking in the right places.
Walking across the bridge today in the quiet of the morning. I realized that what a simple thing quiet is, but how we really don't get much quiet in our lives. Or how simply opening the door for someone and seeing their face be appreciative makes my day. Or even the simple pleasure of saving one pop-tart for later just so you can experience it again. Today has been about the simple things, it doesn't get much better than that.
Walking across the bridge today in the quiet of the morning. I realized that what a simple thing quiet is, but how we really don't get much quiet in our lives. Or how simply opening the door for someone and seeing their face be appreciative makes my day. Or even the simple pleasure of saving one pop-tart for later just so you can experience it again. Today has been about the simple things, it doesn't get much better than that.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Fragile
In these last few weeks I've seen how fragile I am. After gaining some clarity, I see now that my life hangs in a precarious position, balanced between 4 lives, one of work, one of calling, one of suffering, one of obligation. All sit upon a person that is like a chemist in a lab with 4 experiments going on at the same time, stressed, running around like a crazy person, with nothing to show for it. My life is fragile, if but one of those lives gets out of containment, all of them will come crashing down. To the people involved with those lives my crash would affect them only slightly, no one is irreplaceable, and sadly enough I know it. So really the crash is wiping away all the work I have done, all the struggle, all the perseverance, all of my life. And to know that my life is that fragile, to know that at any moment I could be crushed under the surge of inability and have everything be taken from me. I'm afraid, I know I'm reaching that point. Of utter collapse. And I'm afraid of the aftermath. I feel as if everything in my life is built on vapor and clouds, and all I want is someone, God, anyone just to pull me close and tell me its worth it, your worth it, I love you, and you'll be safe with me. Blazing trails leads you into the wilderness, its cold and dark out there. I just need a fire to keep me warm and to light my path. I feel as if I'm going into hypothermia, waking up just in time to realize I've been dieing. To realize how breakable I am, how weak my identity is, how disposable my life is. All I want is to be safe, removed from judgment, buffered against the elements of life, and loved for who I am, not what I do. I'm so lonely, I feel like I can't make a connection with anyone, I try so hard to get in other peoples' worlds just to ease the pain of feeling so alone. I just wish it wasn't always a struggle, that I could form natural bonds, that every decision in a relationship doesn't have to be some calculated dance. That every conversation wasn't an intense internal battle of what to say or what not to say. It tears me down, it makes feeble, insecure, and afraid. Feeling connectionless makes me feel fragile, forgettable, and all together worthless as a person. I feel like all I want is to know that I'm worthwhile, that beyond a shadow of a doubt that, if and when my house of cards falls, someone would want to play 52 card pick-up with my life. I'm tired of writing this, peace.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
The Day to Day
Just to remember how absolutely crazy busy I was when I look back at this time in my life I'm going to lay down the normal week.
Monday
Wake-Up -7:30
Work- 8 to 11
Class - 11 to 12
Back to Work - 12 - 2 or 3
Group Meeting- 3 to 6
Small Group - 6:15 to 10 or 11 (Probably first meal of the day)
Homework - 11 to crash
Tuesday
Wake-Up - 7:30
Work - 8 to 11
Class - 11 to 2
Back to Work - 2-4
Group Meeting/ Code Sesh - 4 to 7 (sometimes later)
Get IV stuff done, homework, helping other peeps out, fix-up the apartment, maybe eat - 7 to 12
Crash - 12 to crash
Wednesday
Wake-Up - 7:30
Work - 8 to 11
Class - 11 to 2:30
Back to Work - 2:40 to 5
Group Meeting - 5 to 9 (often times later)
Get IV stuff done, homework, helping other peeps out, fix-up the apartment, maybe eat - 9 to crash
Thursday
Wake-Up - 7:30
Work - 8 to 11
Class - 11 to 2
Back to Work - 2 to 4 or 5
Break before Praxis to get miscellaneous stuff done and help set-up, maybe eat - 5 to 7
Praxis - 7 to 11
Homework - 11 to crash
Friday
Wake-Up - 10
Class - 11 to 12
Miscellaneous - 12 till whenever get all the things done I couldn't during the week
Have Fun - sometime
Eat something I really like - sometime
Saturday
Chores - All Day
Fun - When I'm done with chores
Maybe Group Meetings depending on need
Sunday
Finish what I couldn't get done on Saturday
Leader's Meeting - 5 to 9
Prep passage for next week - 9 to 11
Of course every week is pretty variable, but it flows in this pattern!
Monday
Wake-Up -7:30
Work- 8 to 11
Class - 11 to 12
Back to Work - 12 - 2 or 3
Group Meeting- 3 to 6
Small Group - 6:15 to 10 or 11 (Probably first meal of the day)
Homework - 11 to crash
Tuesday
Wake-Up - 7:30
Work - 8 to 11
Class - 11 to 2
Back to Work - 2-4
Group Meeting/ Code Sesh - 4 to 7 (sometimes later)
Get IV stuff done, homework, helping other peeps out, fix-up the apartment, maybe eat - 7 to 12
Crash - 12 to crash
Wednesday
Wake-Up - 7:30
Work - 8 to 11
Class - 11 to 2:30
Back to Work - 2:40 to 5
Group Meeting - 5 to 9 (often times later)
Get IV stuff done, homework, helping other peeps out, fix-up the apartment, maybe eat - 9 to crash
Thursday
Wake-Up - 7:30
Work - 8 to 11
Class - 11 to 2
Back to Work - 2 to 4 or 5
Break before Praxis to get miscellaneous stuff done and help set-up, maybe eat - 5 to 7
Praxis - 7 to 11
Homework - 11 to crash
Friday
Wake-Up - 10
Class - 11 to 12
Miscellaneous - 12 till whenever get all the things done I couldn't during the week
Have Fun - sometime
Eat something I really like - sometime
Saturday
Chores - All Day
Fun - When I'm done with chores
Maybe Group Meetings depending on need
Sunday
Finish what I couldn't get done on Saturday
Leader's Meeting - 5 to 9
Prep passage for next week - 9 to 11
Of course every week is pretty variable, but it flows in this pattern!
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