I went to this really awesome event on Friday night called Dance for Change. It was a fundraiser to help raise money for homeless kids in Santa Ana. Santa Ana is one of the poorest cities in the United States, and especially in comparison to the Mega-Affluent Orange County. The church that was hosting the event had found pro-bono DJ's and had worked really hard to find sponsors for all the food and drinks so that all the donations could go to the kids.
So I think to myself where do I, Matty, come into this story. How was I apart of this awesome event, what did I do to make it come together, or be awesome. And the answer is absolutely nothing. That's best part, I didn't do anything. I had no responsibilities, no obligations. I didn't have to come, be there, show up, donate, or even dance for that matter. When I was at the event, I didn't recognize the feeling at first, it was almost imperceptible, it was a joy unlike anything I had felt in a really long time. A joy that came from a subconscious realization that I was unbound and unfettered. It was a feeling that for the first time in a long time, I didn't have to worry about whether things were getting done or worrying if everyone was having a good time. The understanding that I came because I wanted to be there, I wanted to donate, I wanted to dance. There was such freedom in the choice. Nobody was going to miss me if I wasn't there, I didn't have to worry how my character would be reflected in my leadership, or worry about taking the blame for an event that was less then stellar. I didn't have to be (insert anything)!
I think I had forgotten what it felt like to receive anything, I think I spend so much of my time filling in the holes, gaps, and canyons of problems that surround me that I forget what it feels like to actually be given anything. Though the Dance for Change organizer's didn't realize it, and (to be honest the event wasn't about me at all, thankfully), I was the one receiving at the event. Ironic that at an event meant for giving, I would feel an unbridled sense of receiving. That God would, in those few hours, coordinate giving to those much less privileged then I physically, with me who was poor, spiritually. I don't know what to think about God's timing of the situation, but what I do know is how it revealed by spiritual inadequacy. How much I need to be filled. How my entire being had turned into a void, listless and without love for myself. I had forgotten what it felt like to be a person, and not just a slave to service. I had forgotten what living felt like.
