Lets just say I love you...

So today I want to talk about something near and dear to my heart, affirmation!  I realized that as I've walked around this week, I've seen a multitude of different people each with their own unique gifts, talents, abilities, and personalities.  You know what I noticed about most of them, low self-esteem, I hadn't noticed for a long time just how unhappy certain people have been in my life.  Sadness, stress, worry, pain, grief permeated their very beings. So I said to myself where the hell have you been, let not another person go by without telling them something good about them, or how much I value them, or just how much I love them.  With that attitude at the front, I lead a charge against self-esteem with the sword of affirmation.  I don't think I have given so much affirmation in one week or done more to make people feel loved in one week.  Whatever need I saw, I fell upon it like a hawk.  Lest this turns into bragging, I want to talk more about the attitude of affirmation and its effect on people.

First the attitude of affirmation, it seems like such a simple thing just to say nice things to people.  Like "wow I'm glad you did well on such and such", or "good luck on your midterm", but what really encompasses an attitude of affirmation is telling people, "I knew you'd do well on such and such, your so awesome, you've always been one of the most intelligent people I know" Its letting them know you see them, you understand who they are.  Its seeding over your pride to boost theirs, its taking the time to figure out what makes them unique and directing all positive energy to that fact.  The attitude of affirmation is looking for the special in everyone and focusing on the uniqueness that makes them incredible.  Even if you don't think you see it, that specialness, or you even think that each person seems the same or that "why should I complement someone who is obviously not as good as I am".  I just want to say this attitude is not about you, its about them.  So you ask what's in it for me? Actually quite a lot.  Firstly, when you look for the good in others, you end up finding the good in yourself, because as you see their uniqueness, you start to understand what makes you unique.  Secondly, as you start examine others you start to see all the potential in them, and in that realization you understand what potential you can do together!  The greatest fault of mans pride is in thinking that if he does things alone they will get done better then together.  Realizing that potential for collaboration and then acting on that potential could radically change your life. 

The bane to this attitude is focusing on comparing how you stack up, looking for weakness, turning everything into a competition.  It will only lead to momentary happiness, only the momentary elation of you winning will fill you, until you have to find the next challenge to master, a slave to your own ambition.  How small that is in comparison to achieving something as a team, as a group, as a community.  The reward of achieving something beyond yourself, that exists beyond your own consciousness. That is the effect of affirmation on a community. It starts small, a community begins with an affirming attitude, then people start to affirm the awesomeness they see, then they realize the uniqueness of others, then they see the potential in the combination of talents. And together they do amazing things. 

The more I think about the interactions I've had this week, I realize that people meet affirmation with curiosity, generosity with caution, love with confusion.  So when someone asks you, "What's this for" just answer, lets just say I love you.

Awakenings

So yesterday in Small group (that's what bible study is called in InterVarsity), I realized something remarkable about life.  Now before I get to that,  I want to preface this a little bit.  I feel like from last week to this week I've had a reawakening.  And I mean that in the truest sense of that word.  For the past 8 months, maybe a little bit more, I've been seriously depressed.  I didn't even recognize it till about 5 days ago until I had the experience of vividly being awoken. On that day, I seriously felt like someone who had been asleep then startled awake.  Such was the transformation of my mind, my heart, the connection being reestablished between the two. For those 8 months, I realized I had been shutting down, turning off functions of my heart.  Burying pain, tragedy, heartbreak, trying to escape the damage that had been done.  Even more so wanting to hold on to the person I had lost.  Trying to remember the love you had for that person and how the pain of them leaving, felt, feels like burning.

Over 8 months, I tried to cover my grief over with action, as my heart was dying, suffocating over its own suffering, my mind continued to work, to push through. It would set a mental check-list of all the things that I needed to get done, skip over all the things I didn't want to think about, and the days would flow by.  I would realize things were wrong in the quiet times, like when I was at work surrounded by the quiet of the office, or when I was on vacation not inundated with the business that kept me protected.  The things I did acted as the buffer-zone to my heart, as long as I constructed more buffers I would be safe from ever having to deal with my issues.  So continued my pattern of buffering and trying to forget, till one day I looked around at my life and I said how the hell did I get here. I had no idea, literally no idea of how my life had progressed from then till now.

When I realized that, it consumed me, why couldn't I figure out what had happened? why do I feel so at war myself?  I even said this to a few people- "I feel such a mind-heart disconnect"  A part of me was compelled to figure it out, and finally 5 days ago I found out.  All the lying to myself, all the self-hate, all the business it was trying to make me forget who and why I was. Yes, why I was, I feel like I have a purpose given to me by God, and I had forgotten that purpose, buried it just as readily as I buried my pain, and that purpose is to love people beyond myself.  All during my hibernation I was so self-consumed, self-absorbed in what I was doing I forgot how to love people right.  I feel like during that time I was like a nuclear-reactor that had hit emergency stop, then refused to start, and finally I've turned back on. I've had a reawakening.

During the past 5 days, I've felt better then I can remember for a long time, living for others again has never felt so good.  I can't describe to you the level of perception that has been given back, its like seeing a friend you haven't seen for a long time, they look the same, but you can tell things are different.  That's how I feel, my attitude was like how it was pre-winter heart-destruction, back to going above and beyond for others, back to wanting to make others lives the best they can be. God I love that feeling.

Friendship, its a funny concept...

I had this funny thought at work today, after getting a myriad of texts from a bunch of different people today, I thought to myself, why don't I characterize what the content of the texts was about into work or friend as a sort of experiment to see just what I get texted about.  Work texts fit into the realm of they requiring me to do something for the other person and friendly texts fell under the heading of they wanted to know how I was doing or invite me to something they were doing.  So for just the month of October and really just for the first 21 days I received a grand total of 402 texts.  After being bored at work and sifting through the vast majority of texts, I split my texts into the two categories with the findings being: 349 work related texts and 53 friendly texts.  Thus, I realized something striking about my communication with other people, it relied primarily on me doing something for them. 

Now I won't make any conjectures on why that is, just that I proffer this wisdom about myself...I'm a dunce, a dedicated dunce, but a dunce nonetheless and that many people trusting me with getting things done well.... is bad policy. But other than that people text me to do work.  I may have found it interesting that I get so many work related texts, but not at all surprising. Most of you know me, I do a lot of work, I'm always going to help somebody out or answer somebodies question or just plain working. The workhorse of the friendship fleet.  So naturally most people would think of me as a work-o-holic, which I won't debate the validity of that statement, just that their might be more than meets the eye. Though I understand the thought process, if you need something done quickly or as close to now as possible, or really done at all, you turn to the person that is willing to put their agenda on hold for your agenda in a moments notice. It makes sense to me.

But what I would really like to talk about is why there are only 53 texts that I thought of as friendly  (And mind you the criteria for this category was very loose).  If a "how are you doing" was in the text, I counted it, even if it was followed by a request to do something for the person. So I think to myself, what is it about my disposition that makes people think I'm not very friendly or more so that I'm not to invite-able to things.  I think the most distressing thing for me is that I feel like I only have half-friendships. Grounded only in the services I can provide or my ability to get something done for the person.  It's like I'm the garbage-man of friendships I do the jobs no one else wants, but as soon as my service is provided I'm forgotten until the next time the trash needs to be collected.  I understand that I may not be the funnest guy ever, but I've got to have at least some redeeming qualities.  Something that makes someone want me to be around just for existing's sake.  It's just sad, that at the end of the day, I didn't have to force myself to work all day, it was the only thing available to do.

So I don't know what to think about friendship in general. Its a strange amalgamation of being useful and being forgotten.  About being needed, but never wanted.  Always waiting for the inevitable text, but hoping it won't be what you think it is.  Hoping that you mean something beyond an agenda...ya Friendship, its a funny concept...

I had forgotten what living felt like

I went to this really awesome event on Friday night called Dance for Change. It was a fundraiser to help raise money for homeless kids in Santa Ana.  Santa Ana is one of the poorest cities in the United States, and especially in comparison to the Mega-Affluent Orange County. The church that was hosting the event had found pro-bono DJ's and had worked really hard to find sponsors for all the food and drinks so that all the donations could go to the kids. 

So I think to myself where do I, Matty, come into this story. How was I apart of this awesome event, what did I do to make it come together, or be awesome.  And the answer is absolutely nothing. That's best part, I didn't do anything.  I had no responsibilities, no obligations. I didn't have to come, be there, show up, donate, or even dance for that matter.  When I was at the event, I didn't recognize the feeling at first, it was almost imperceptible, it was a joy unlike anything I had felt in a really long time.  A joy that came from a subconscious realization that I was unbound and unfettered.  It was a feeling that for the first time in a long time, I didn't have to worry about whether things were getting done or worrying if everyone was having a good time.  The understanding that I came because I wanted to be there, I wanted to donate, I wanted to dance.  There was such freedom in the choice.  Nobody was going to miss me if I wasn't there, I didn't have to worry how my character would be reflected in my leadership, or worry about taking the blame for an event that was less then stellar.  I didn't have to be (insert anything)!

I think I had forgotten what it felt like to receive anything,  I think I spend so much of my time filling in the holes, gaps, and canyons of problems that surround me that I forget what it feels like to actually be given anything.  Though the Dance for Change organizer's didn't realize it, and (to be honest the event wasn't about me at all, thankfully),  I was the one receiving at the event.  Ironic that at an event meant for giving, I would feel an unbridled sense of receiving.  That God would, in those few hours, coordinate giving to those much less privileged then I physically, with me who was poor, spiritually.  I don't know what to think about God's timing of the situation, but what I do know is how it revealed by spiritual inadequacy. How much I need to be filled.  How my entire being had turned into a void, listless and without love for myself. I had forgotten what it felt like to be a person, and not just a slave to service.  I had forgotten what living felt like.

Someone said you should write your life down....

It was in total passing and actually caught me by surprise, as words of wisdom often do.  I was talking with a Freshmen at Pippin, probably a week ago (can never much tell time anymore : P). I had never met him before, but in an effort to be friendly and welcome him to this new found wonderland of UCI, I struck up a conversation with him. Asking how his classes are, how he likes the dorms, you know the normal stuff. Of course, he asks me how I like my dorm and I'm forced into telling him that I'm a 4th year. This of course produces shock, not only from him, but from the three people sitting around us that were ease-dropping on our convo.

I think what I love about Freshmen the most is their sense of awe in the moment of discovery, everything is new, holding almost a mystical quality.  Meeting a 4th year for the first time, was like a Unicorn had jumped into the room and started break dancing sending out rainbows of awesome.   So they pounced, like Lions out for knowledge, they started asking me all sorts of questions about UCI and my time here as student.  I couldn't have been any happier to answer all their questions (I'm a sucker for answering questions with common knowledge, but passing it off as utter wisdom), and when they had no more questions about how the school worked, how their major would turn out, or how and why an Anteater was our mascot, they asked me to share how my experience of college went.  Well that's probably a topic of another blog post, and by probably I mean definitely a topic of another blog post. 

And so I concluded my story, a journey through a young fools eyes. The Freshmen, by now their were a few more added to the number, didn't know quite what to make of the story as it was probably just ramblings. But out of the back, someone sitting at the end of the table, mutters under their breath, "you should write that down".  So that got me thinking, if these Freshmen, who hadn't known me from atom, or even just that one Freshmen who spoke that little string of words, got something out of my story, maybe just maybe, it would be worth it to write my life down.  I don't think to highly of myself, I generally dislike me, I dislike my thoughts often times even more. I think I hide that pretty well, but my credo if you wanna call it that is, "That I live to serve", so maybe this is another way to love people, painting a picture of a young fool, ramblings of a young fool.