Judgement

What I wonder is why people judge my life so much, they feel the need to weigh in on every decision, every phrase, every utterance.  I'm not interesting, please leave me alone.  If I was in fact cool and interesting I would do normal things better than everyone else or try to be absolutely the opposite of normal.  I do not.  So why does every action need to be judged.  Leave my decisions to me.  All your judgement achieves is for me to feel terrible about myself because everyone is laughing at me. There no longer on my side, your judgement just created a line in the sand, ended there empathy.  All your judgement does is make me want to put an imaginary cone of silence around my head to block out the thoughts of all those around me.  Your judgement is not going to make me change, all it achieves is making others think less of me.  It just makes my life harder.  It assassinates my character.  And it doesn't matter how hard I work, the actions I do to the contrary, you already assassinated my character, and peoples perceptions don't change very easily.  Even if I brought it up to you. And you apologized. The damage is done.  The trust I could have formed obliterated by your opinions.  By the shared trust you already possessed with the others.  My only redemption maybe being your new found compassion.  But I'm still at your mercy, I hate that, I would rather forgo the whole endeavor of meaning anything to these people if someone else is in control of my interactions.  Time to move on to other pastures. Because my heart won't take another judgmental assassination.

The Fall

It's finally fall, the time of the year were things start anew. Well I guess in the adult world.

Fall is when everybody goes back to school.
Fall is when TV shows begin again.
Fall is when Football starts up (normally basketball too).
Fall is when most people get married.
Fall is when the majority of children are born (you can thank New Year's for that).
Fall is the time when all the most anticipated books and video games are released just in time for Christmas.  Fall is the back to work attitude after the long break of summer.
Fall is for the night when spring and summer are for the day.
Fall is when all your friends come back after the separation of summer.

I love the fall.

On Being in Love With Someone Who Can't Love You Back

I wish I could accurately describe what the feeling is like. Being in love with someone who can't love you back. It's tragic, it's depressing, it's frustrating.  It makes you wish the situation could be changed, the dice re-rolled, your life reworked.  It makes you wish you weren't you. It makes you realize how empty inside you feel from being single.  I know I should be stronger, feel more self-actualized, have higher self-esteem, but I don't.  I'm in love and my heart won't let go, even though my head says go.  It runs through the paces of if's and when's, hoping and praying, for moments that will never happen.  You realize all your imperfection in one glance and realize that all you want is for someone to love that imperfection back unconditionally.

Men

Being male is a matter of birth,
being a man is a matter of age,
but being a gentleman is a matter of choice

Polarity

I know lots of people always say that were all weird, different, strange, unique, special.  But more often then not if you take two people you will find that they are more similar than different.  More same then special.  I guess I wonder where we get all those notions of uniqueness, why we let those notions drive us to seek accolades for specialness, and why that specialness makes us believe that it is OK to judge other people.

It's interesting how people treat each other when they see another person as a threat to there uniqueness.  It frightens them. They lash out. To them you could never do a thing as well as they can. And if your actions were identical to their's, they would still believe their fantasy. The threat of sameness running on the same level as the threat of survival.  What's interesting about this is you can relate a lot of resistance to social change to this problem.  Groups of people worried about there identity being stripped from them or certain privileges.  All, to some extent,  the threat of sameness.

Were so worried about it, that even our neighbor can become our enemy. We can cast a polarizing effect on any person or group.  Democrats and Republicans.  Yankees and Mets.  SoCal and NorCal.  Muslim and Christian.  American and the rest of the World.  It's funny I can feel myself wanting to justify how different each of those things are. But really that's just the polarizing effect of wanting uniqueness.  Sure I could list off 20 ways that each of those people are different from each other.  But I bet I could list off 100 ways they are similar.  It's sad that we fight with each other trying to be unique, when really it just doesn't matter.

Failing at life is all in the repetition.