Driving in the Moonlight

Driving by moonlight.  The clearness of the air, the blank blackness of the space between lights.  The desolate beauty of the landscape inverted to another perspective.  When you can almost see the land sleeping, the flowers faces illuminated like the pale glow of angels.  The darkness calming and soothing the stress of the day.  Magnifying the space of your mind, while shrinking the world around you.  Creating a focus that is lost in the sun.  

For when the Moon is atop the sky, a singular focus can only be found.  The allure of it's craters, the diffraction of it's light. Your eyes treated to wonderful dance between her and her partner.  A tragic waltz that allows her escort only a glimpse as she retreats.  The stars, all-knowing, twinkle with the understanding of millennia.  Like loving parents that understand the heart of their children, knowing their love was never meant to be. 

And like an arrow of light piercing the void, the car throttles ahead. Lighting the journey only one second at a time.  The momentum of the machine creating moments of time.  Your body an extension of machine, allowing you to glide across the road.  Like Zeno's paradox, each moment a new state of being. Causing you to forget the destination, and revel in the feeling of the moment.  As your speed increases, the world disintegrates into particles, the energy being received through every sense.  The moonlight providing the phosphorescent backdrop exposing that wondrous phenomena.  

The energy, the drive only lasting those precious moments.  Then the silence. The destination is reached.   And as you exit the portal of your time-machine, the world returns to your head. Your mind awaiting the next journey into nothingness.

You Ever Have One of Those Days Were You're Just A Winner

Today is that day!

Essence

I've been trying to find so much importance in a self, my "self", that it's making me depressed.  The fact is throughout college all I heard was find yourself, become who you want to be, follow your dreams.  But I think that's destructive for me.  I realized as I "discovered" my self (more like created it),  I found myself growing more distant from others, getting more upset at what I perceived as faults and failures of theres.  Started to assess status and popularity, started to assess how I fit in to each given group, and started losing my child-like understanding of people and their motives. As I was creating myself, I could only internalize how "other" everyone else was.  I started to hate myself for not being like them.  For not being "one" with the group.  This hate fueled me to change, to try to become the version of a perfect human for what the group needed.  Trying to artificially create oneness.

But I was wrong.  The only thing I did was destroy my essence.   I changed almost everything about me and invented the rest.  Breaking the sacred vow with my heart.  It was like a slow poison, trying to create that oneness.  I would work tirelessly to shape that square hole into a circular one.  My mind said I was doing right, but my heart said I was doing wrong.  The reason for my dissatisfaction, a mind-heart war.  I'm a little saddened that it's taken me this long to understand.  My parents never realized that by raising me the way they did, my will could overcome my heart.  Forgoing all true emotion for a fake, scripted, and rehearsed version of a person I thought others wanted, but I could never truly be.

I look back over so many blog posts, notes, and messages.  And it stares back at me, glaringly obvious.  The problem with me is that I'm not me.  That the self I created was never supposed to exist.   That the essence of who I am had been warped and perverted by the only person that could do it, myself.

The validation of others creating the drug of "oneness"that created self so craved.  Before college I never needed validation. I never cared how many friends I had or if I had friends at all.  I never cared if I fit in or if people treated me right.  I never cared about my "self".  The only way to fuel this perverted self was to block out that old "self".  The one that only cared for others, never judged them.  The one that only wanted what's best for those around him, never his own interests.  The one that would choose last place so that others would be saved from ridicule, never first place for his own glory.

No more existential struggles, no more wars between heart and mind, no more.  I should have known that when I was reading the Bible my heart was seeking unification and my mind validation.

I'm going back, I remember how I felt before, I remember the essence, I remember my heart.

Presence

This is a wonderful little article on Presence, and honestly explains why I'm depressed about my life.

http://www.lovingwell.is/the-gift-of-presence/

Two sections really stand out to me:


Being present involves intentionality, the willingness to engage emotionally, availability, flexibility, attention and focus. It’s what we mean by “being there for someone.” It’s an overlooked quality of loving well because it’s so easy to mistake mere physical presence for true presence, but they are not synonymous.


and


We can’t be all things to all people, and presence has to be a gift rather than something that is demanded of us, but presence is something that can be practiced and is the only way to truly live in relationship. It’s worthwhile to think about what we can do to be more present in our relationships.

I need a Break from People

I need a break from people, if people call me, that's fine I'll hang out and help, but I'm done calling, seeking after, and intentionally being around people.  I'm just so depressed about the state of everything.

Stood Up

If anyone's ever been stood up, you know how I feel right now.  Is it sad that they're such familiar feelings.  They're so familiar I'm not even upset at the person at all really. It's like being rejected, disappointed, and sad are part of my genome.  I mean to put it bluntly, it's not like I was going to do anything else with my evening, no one else called me, facebooked me, texted me or anything, its not like I turned down anything and then got stood up.  So really I should be thanking the person for even entertaining the idea of spending a few hours with me.  I guess it was the thought that counted.

Now not calling me to cancel and having the waitress look at me like "you poor sap"that was unnecessarily cruel.  I know my feelings don't really matter and all, as the rest of my heart seems to be only vapor and dust. There is really no part of me left that isn't tarnished, assaulted, and abused.  It's torturous to me to see how little people care about my needs.  How I can dance in front of them like a little insane monkey trying to get their attention, praying "just think about me one time after we part", it's pathetic.  I think I've finally given up all hope for a mutual relationship, one where I'm not just giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, giving.  I'm exhausted from all the giving, from all the rejection, form all the lack of kindness being thrown my way, from everyone else's problems and responsibilities, from being used up like a piece of toilet paper and simply flushed away with the rest of the shit.

I shouldn't be crying anymore because of this.  I should be so used to it by now. But yet the tears fall because I want it so badly.  Honestly, my body and mind can't take much more of this, brutal, soul-crushing, punishment.  It's been 22 years of this shit, since the day I was born, put to work like some beast of burden, for everyone else's gain.   And I can't even get someone to show up to dinner & movie.

 (both of which I was paying for)

Secret Admirer

I got an anonymous text last night (I know, I didn't even think you could send those).  It was from a secret admirer or so I think:

"Twas the encircling nature,
 the twine of fate,
 hath brought forth the sun's radiant warmth;
such bountiful happiness must only come from within,
were it not already abundant within such,
as called Matthew Palmer"

I tried texting back.  They didn't answer :(.  But it was beautiful, so thank you!

Open Letter for Forgiveness

Dear Estranged Friends,

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for all the things I said that I didn't mean.  I sorry for not being gentle or kind in my attempts to "fix" the relationship.  I'm sorry I got defensive or upset.  I'm sorry if I stopped listening and passed judgement all to soon.  I'm sorry that I lacked understanding.  I'm sorry that I didn't treat you with all the respect you deserve.  I'm sorry that I didn't appreciate or affirm you enough.  I'm sorry for not being honest with how I felt. I'm sorry for the love that I didn't give you.  I'm sorry for me.

I ask for your forgiveness, I never meant to hurt you or push you away,  I never meant to be a wedge between what was a good thing.  I ask you to forgive the pitfalls in my personality.  To forgive my faults and failures as a friend.  I ask that you forgive who I am, just as much as what I've done.  Please forgive me.

-Matty

A Journey of Me

This is the check in post, this is a post about my self conception, how I view myself at this point in my journey, it might sound slightly self-serving, it might sound underwhelming in some places, it could go on for ever and ever.  But I think I need it, so in the bad times I can remember there was a person.  That during stages of depression, where you feel like nothing, there is most definitely something.  A person to remember that was good and right.

I am Loved:

By God, by friends, by family, I am loved.  I think I'm loved for a variety of reasons - I think God loves me cause he's God and has a shit ton of grace haha. I don't deserve, mostly because I value people more than I value God, I'm trying to change that. One step at a time.  I think my friends love me because I care for them , honest to goodness care for them in a world that teaches us that we should careless about each other.  I don't think buying many people food, dealing with apartment stuff, listening to tons of peoples problems, fixing a lot of peoples problems, sacrificing my time and money for others betterment goes unnoticed.  I think I'm loved for what I do, more than who I am, something I'm trying to change.  I know I can only see my perspective, but I don't know what people think of me, except that I'm generous, everyone tells me that.  But really that's all they tell me, I mean they mean generous in every sense of the word, time, money, energy, resources, skills, wisdom, etc.

 I wonder if they view me how I view myself,  as kind and virtuous, having an honor code to always hold peoples best interests at heart.  Being honest about my intentions and what I think.  Willing to sacrifice anything and everything for another.  Having an uncanny skill for analyzing people. Looking almost naively for the best in everyone, and ignoring the bad parts.  Being Strong, confident, and mature in my decisions, willing to accept any and all responsibility for a situation.  Having deep insecurities about being alone, what people think of me, and if I'm doing the right thing.  Worried if I'll die alone or if anyone will remember me in 10 years or 2.  A willingness to put my body on the line for the betterment of the team.  That I'm self-motivated and intentional about everything, calculated even.  That I've persevered through times of terrible tragedy.  Having the courage to stand up in the face of adversity, when other's said I couldn't do it, whether it be walk again, get off drugs by myself, run my own business, act and sing in musicals, or become a computer scientist.  Though cries of your not good enough and you'll never be. To have a work ethic and never procrastinate.  To be flexible and always having a plan B ready, "pulling an audible".  Being able to empathize with most anyone so I can speak into their life using the wisdom learned from my screwed up one.  Being unable to say no, not being able to set-up healthy boundaries for a relationship, and becoming co-dependent on others for validation.    Not pretending to understand cultural differences, but seeking after that understanding.  Having an ability to synthesize and assimilate knowledge together at a speedy rate, a memory that remembers all the little details.  A person that has no greater ambition in his life than to love others and have others love him.

If anyone reads this, I'm sorry for the self-serving dialogue, know that I don't think I'm perfect and there are many things that I actively I'm trying to fix in my life.  Having realistic expectations on others being a high priority.  But that this is merely to remind myself that when I feel abandoned, lonely, or that stupid question "why doesn't anyone love me", that I can look to this and know that I am who I am, that it is good. But having humility to know that there is always room for improvement.

Adulthood

So I recently moved back in with my parents, sorta a stop-gap measure while I look for a place.  Now it hasn't been bad, they don't keep tabs on me every two seconds like they use to, I can come and go as I please.  But the one thing that gets to me is how negative the environment.  NOTHING EVER GOES RIGHT!  Now that's an exaggeration, more often than not things usually do go right, but living at my parents place you wouldn't know that.  You would think the world was ending with every little thing.  It's not and more generally the world always goes on.  As I was growing up, I really didn't notice it, the rampant fatalism, but now that I'm back from college, there is marketable difference.  Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, they make some of the best decisions, and are virtually never wrong on people's character, money, and/or general wisdom. It's just their perspective on life is colored way more negatively then mine. I think one thing my parents could change, is learning to let go off the past, I ultimately think that is what keeps them from truly enjoying life.  I'm trying to nudge them gently to see the truth in that, but I guess I'll have to get more firm.

This is a separate thought, but somehow connected.  I've been thinking lately about what makes an adult, is it being self-sufficient? Nope I know a lot of people that live on there own, work, even have a significant other,but I wouldn't classify them as adult.  Based on a variety of factors (main one being selfishness).  To make a long thought short.  I think when a person turns into an adult, is when they finally see their parents as people.  All the faults, failures, insecurities, skills, and qualities. Through adolescence, I always saw my parents, as invincible warriors, parents that have always come to my defense, stalwart and resolute, never wrong in there judgements, impeccably smart whose intelligence far surpassed my own.  My parents have many great qualities, but of course like any person they have their faults.  But every child knows this, it takes an adult to see it.  To realize that your parents need just as much love and support as you do.  That when your away, they miss you just as much as a best friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, or wife.  And like any person, they once had dreams and aspirations, pains and sufferings, their past lives with them.  To be an adult is to switch from the receiving mode you do as a child, receiving from your parents, relatives, and friends.  And flip it to giving mode, poring out to help the people around you.

Some people never make the flip, and really, making a prediction, most people from my generation will never make that flip.  And nowadays that flip is becoming rarer and rarer, you can point to so many statistics, divorce over 50%, psychologists creating a new category for life stages "emergent adulthood", 55% of American's saying they are dissatisfied with their relationships.  And 45% of young people polled across colleges saying Sex was the number 1 priority in their relationship.  These statistics paint a picture of a community that is changing, changing to devaluing your fellow man and an increasing in selfishness.  So why is it important?  Because it marks a de-evolution, a regression away from a more Godly society.  And it makes me sad, for as ursula would put it those "poor unfortunate souls" don't know what there missing out on.

Fun Games

Fun Games have three components (that I can see :D):

1. Basic set of controls or rules that are easy to learn and are satisfying (FPS = shooting guns)

2. The board/playground/level/gamespace must allow for strategic play(i.e. different movement patterns, or things on the board that makes the players want to move there, or different options on different parts of the gamespace)

3. The player must ALWAYS have different tactics at there disposal at any given time (in a card game that's playing different cards, in a board game like risk you can attack/defend/move, or in a game like Halo grenade, gun, other gun, melee) except for the losing state.  (Chess being the example or more specifically checkmate)