I felt so strongly lately that my life has finally hit the pasture. So much of it has been prodded in a certain direction, achieving this and achieving that. Trying to find myself amongst so many different voices. I've finally done it. I achieved everything the voices wanted. I graduated, I got a job, I'm trying to live the most godly life possible. And now it's quiet. All the opposing forces, pushing and pulling me in so many directions, just stopped. And now I'm direction-less. So much of my life has been conflict, born into it, breed with it, lived through it, all the way up. Now the conflict has stopped and my identity feels as hapless as it did the day I entered college. No idea what decisions to make. Like a cow out at pasture, I can eat any patch of grass, but which one? Which one is most godly, what direction do I go to find it.
I think what's been eating at me the most, is how outside the beaten path I am. Trailblazing every step, I'm 22, single, graduated, fully-employed, gay, and a Christian. I have no one around me, who is like me. I don't have someone in my life that deals with the same struggles I've dealt with, I deal with, I'm dealing with. I'm the first to graduate of everyone I know, except my sister (mirrors we are). I'm the only one to be fully-employed and at a career job. Not to mention, I'm dealing with a sexuality that has been destructive to me, controversial to many, and that I can't reconcile to my faith or life. Wanting so much to be straight, so I didn't have to go through life celibate and romantically alone. Trying to keep Jesus as the #1 priority, as you can imagine is a challenge. And try explaining the above situation to someone. Even if there a remarkably understanding person, how do they connect with you to give advice, to form a true friendship. At best they can give general advice, still good, still relevant, but I'm I need of some pointed directed help.
I feel most helpless in creating intimate relationships, 99% of my relationships are Mentor/Mentee style. I walk in a room, I ask someone how they're doing, they tell me fine, I know there keeping something, I probe, we talk it out. They go back to there friends. Or alternatively, they tell me their fine, they are fine, and they move-on to their friends. It's like I have nothing else to offer them, but empathy, advice, and solutions. Not saying that's bad, but why can't I get people to stay. What is my issue? Why is there so many barriers to connecting with people. I don't have an answer. I don't even know what the barriers are.
Hell if I'm going to be super vulnerable, might as well go the distance, all I want is for someone to hold me at night. If I could sit in someone's arms. I love God, I try to work hard for his Kingdom. But I just want the comfort and security of having one person that is committed to me. I know this sounds like asking for a lover, I know I can't have it. It doesn't stop me from wanting it. It's just so hard to watch others get married, have kids, realizing I will have none of that. I know God has a purpose for creating me the way he did, it's just really hard to have a non-normal identity.
My mind's run dry--
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