I felt so strongly lately that my life has finally hit the pasture. So much of it has been prodded in a certain direction, achieving this and achieving that. Trying to find myself amongst so many different voices. I've finally done it. I achieved everything the voices wanted. I graduated, I got a job, I'm trying to live the most godly life possible. And now it's quiet. All the opposing forces, pushing and pulling me in so many directions, just stopped. And now I'm direction-less. So much of my life has been conflict, born into it, breed with it, lived through it, all the way up. Now the conflict has stopped and my identity feels as hapless as it did the day I entered college. No idea what decisions to make. Like a cow out at pasture, I can eat any patch of grass, but which one? Which one is most godly, what direction do I go to find it.
I think what's been eating at me the most, is how outside the beaten path I am. Trailblazing every step, I'm 22, single, graduated, fully-employed, gay, and a Christian. I have no one around me, who is like me. I don't have someone in my life that deals with the same struggles I've dealt with, I deal with, I'm dealing with. I'm the first to graduate of everyone I know, except my sister (mirrors we are). I'm the only one to be fully-employed and at a career job. Not to mention, I'm dealing with a sexuality that has been destructive to me, controversial to many, and that I can't reconcile to my faith or life. Wanting so much to be straight, so I didn't have to go through life celibate and romantically alone. Trying to keep Jesus as the #1 priority, as you can imagine is a challenge. And try explaining the above situation to someone. Even if there a remarkably understanding person, how do they connect with you to give advice, to form a true friendship. At best they can give general advice, still good, still relevant, but I'm I need of some pointed directed help.
I feel most helpless in creating intimate relationships, 99% of my relationships are Mentor/Mentee style. I walk in a room, I ask someone how they're doing, they tell me fine, I know there keeping something, I probe, we talk it out. They go back to there friends. Or alternatively, they tell me their fine, they are fine, and they move-on to their friends. It's like I have nothing else to offer them, but empathy, advice, and solutions. Not saying that's bad, but why can't I get people to stay. What is my issue? Why is there so many barriers to connecting with people. I don't have an answer. I don't even know what the barriers are.
Hell if I'm going to be super vulnerable, might as well go the distance, all I want is for someone to hold me at night. If I could sit in someone's arms. I love God, I try to work hard for his Kingdom. But I just want the comfort and security of having one person that is committed to me. I know this sounds like asking for a lover, I know I can't have it. It doesn't stop me from wanting it. It's just so hard to watch others get married, have kids, realizing I will have none of that. I know God has a purpose for creating me the way he did, it's just really hard to have a non-normal identity.
My mind's run dry--
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
College Reflections
Wow where did all the time go, I'm still so young, yet I feel so old. If you asked me about this week, my final week in college, when I was a freshmen, how would I have responded? Coming in to college I had so many dreams about what it would be like, how popular I would become, the career I would get from it, so much passion ready to be utilized. Well 4 years later, I'll tell you how I see the final week. Fruition. All the dreams I had, achieved. All the promises I'd made, done. All my commitments, almost completed (bittersweet).
What happened to all that passion? Well it was poured in. In to what? In to everything, school, work, friends, family. College for me has been about pouring out. It's been about giving. About giving everything for what matters most. I'm walking out of college having made friends with some of the best people. I never could have imagined the beauty in all of those friendships. What a privilege to serve and have so many unique and gifted friends, God has truly been kind. I hope to never stop being friends with any of them.
I look back on certain moments in college and realize ya I could have done things better. I failed a lot in college, but God always gave me the opportunities to get back on the horse and try again. Success defined in the trying. I only have one regret, that I never patched my relationship with Grant. A great friendship wasted. Needless to say, college has been a challenge embedded with failure. But I'm happy for that failure. It has shaped me, formed me to be more Godly, to be a better brother, a better friend, and a better human.
College has been a blast. I will look back with fondness on the time I spent at UCI. The sweat and tears poured out in the lab, the laughter at 926, the love in late-night conversations, the belonging brought by IV, the pain of personal growth, the thrill brought by so many adventures both at home and abroad, the discoveries about yourself and other people, all combine to make such a wonderful experience.
So here's to the last four years, they've been great, and here's to the rest of my life, will the passion never die.
What happened to all that passion? Well it was poured in. In to what? In to everything, school, work, friends, family. College for me has been about pouring out. It's been about giving. About giving everything for what matters most. I'm walking out of college having made friends with some of the best people. I never could have imagined the beauty in all of those friendships. What a privilege to serve and have so many unique and gifted friends, God has truly been kind. I hope to never stop being friends with any of them.
I look back on certain moments in college and realize ya I could have done things better. I failed a lot in college, but God always gave me the opportunities to get back on the horse and try again. Success defined in the trying. I only have one regret, that I never patched my relationship with Grant. A great friendship wasted. Needless to say, college has been a challenge embedded with failure. But I'm happy for that failure. It has shaped me, formed me to be more Godly, to be a better brother, a better friend, and a better human.
College has been a blast. I will look back with fondness on the time I spent at UCI. The sweat and tears poured out in the lab, the laughter at 926, the love in late-night conversations, the belonging brought by IV, the pain of personal growth, the thrill brought by so many adventures both at home and abroad, the discoveries about yourself and other people, all combine to make such a wonderful experience.
So here's to the last four years, they've been great, and here's to the rest of my life, will the passion never die.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Castle
Once upon a time....
A knight rode up to an ominous and gloomy castle. It was a cold and stormy night atop Mt. Destiny. The knight dismounted his trusty steed, Wind Dreamer, and made shelter at the base of the castle. Entrance to the castle was forbidden and the knight, weary from his travels, needed rest. Through through his armor, a spark of joy alighted in the knights heart, his quest was coming to fruition.
For you see, in his journey of 22 years, the knight had crossed vast distances, lands of desolate beauty, immortal in their vastness. Facing challenges so peculiar and adverse, that it had utterly transformed his person. His quest relentlessly beckoning him forward. For though his quest was simple it was intensely personal to the knight. The pursuit had been given by his loved ones, to achieve what they could not. An eternity of remembrance was forced upon the knight and his crusade. Though not tasked with discovery, the knight had come to relish in the adventure, find a satisfaction in the unknown, and bending it to his will. Thus shaping the knight with a resolute and curious character. Both dependent upon the quest and the journey.
As the knight awoke, filled with purpose, he strode up to door of the keep. The knight tried the door. Finding it locked, he called Wind Dreamer over with a quick whistle. The horse swiftly and brutally kicked the door in and with his sword raised the knight stormed in. The charge lasting only briefly as the knight found......nothing. The castle seemed deserted. The hesitation in the knights step was evident, his heart pounding with anticipation, yet no enemy, no foe to face, nothing. The knight was shaken, the glory he had dreamt of, the purpose he had sought, came crashing directly into reality with the force of lightning. No he thought there is more to this castle.
The knight continued further into the castle. Filled with disillusionment, the knight began to imagine the castle as alive. The hearth's lit, weapons being sharpened, enemies at hand. The knight attacked, but found no purchase, for he struck at shadows, ideas. Undeterred the knight pressed onward, deeper into the keep, his delirium growing steadily. He fought to the steps of the tower, an open spiral staircase, and in the knight's eye magnificent in it's grandeur. Enemies now flooded the steps, but nothing could stop his fury. So the knight ascended, step by step, slash by slash, he rose, higher and higher into his mind's sanctum. Time warped, slowing to a calm breeze, as the knight realized his journey neared its end. Wishing for every breath to last an eternity, the knight surmounted the final step.
Upon breaking the portal, the truth of his situation exploded outward, painting the room with a reality filled with deepest trepidation. Had his quest been in vain? The room abandoned for untold eons had only one thing, a window. The knight realizing his glory dashed, his quest a failure, aimed to throw himself from the tower. He ran to the window. But something held him, a realization that had been building for decades. Out the window, the sun was rising, his onslaught lasting a full day. The knight watched as the sun's light grew in intensity, coming to envelope, not only the tower, but the entirety of the land that stretched out before him. And with each passing second, the knight's sorrow was replaced with hope, his purpose being rebuilt from the ashes of his mind's fire. The hope soon overtook the knight, that this wasn't the end of his journey merely its quest.
As the sun was rising further into the sky, the knight departed the castle, riding on the back of Wind Dreamer, to destinations unknown, a destiny untold.
My Life as Metaphor...
A knight rode up to an ominous and gloomy castle. It was a cold and stormy night atop Mt. Destiny. The knight dismounted his trusty steed, Wind Dreamer, and made shelter at the base of the castle. Entrance to the castle was forbidden and the knight, weary from his travels, needed rest. Through through his armor, a spark of joy alighted in the knights heart, his quest was coming to fruition.
For you see, in his journey of 22 years, the knight had crossed vast distances, lands of desolate beauty, immortal in their vastness. Facing challenges so peculiar and adverse, that it had utterly transformed his person. His quest relentlessly beckoning him forward. For though his quest was simple it was intensely personal to the knight. The pursuit had been given by his loved ones, to achieve what they could not. An eternity of remembrance was forced upon the knight and his crusade. Though not tasked with discovery, the knight had come to relish in the adventure, find a satisfaction in the unknown, and bending it to his will. Thus shaping the knight with a resolute and curious character. Both dependent upon the quest and the journey.
As the knight awoke, filled with purpose, he strode up to door of the keep. The knight tried the door. Finding it locked, he called Wind Dreamer over with a quick whistle. The horse swiftly and brutally kicked the door in and with his sword raised the knight stormed in. The charge lasting only briefly as the knight found......nothing. The castle seemed deserted. The hesitation in the knights step was evident, his heart pounding with anticipation, yet no enemy, no foe to face, nothing. The knight was shaken, the glory he had dreamt of, the purpose he had sought, came crashing directly into reality with the force of lightning. No he thought there is more to this castle.
The knight continued further into the castle. Filled with disillusionment, the knight began to imagine the castle as alive. The hearth's lit, weapons being sharpened, enemies at hand. The knight attacked, but found no purchase, for he struck at shadows, ideas. Undeterred the knight pressed onward, deeper into the keep, his delirium growing steadily. He fought to the steps of the tower, an open spiral staircase, and in the knight's eye magnificent in it's grandeur. Enemies now flooded the steps, but nothing could stop his fury. So the knight ascended, step by step, slash by slash, he rose, higher and higher into his mind's sanctum. Time warped, slowing to a calm breeze, as the knight realized his journey neared its end. Wishing for every breath to last an eternity, the knight surmounted the final step.
Upon breaking the portal, the truth of his situation exploded outward, painting the room with a reality filled with deepest trepidation. Had his quest been in vain? The room abandoned for untold eons had only one thing, a window. The knight realizing his glory dashed, his quest a failure, aimed to throw himself from the tower. He ran to the window. But something held him, a realization that had been building for decades. Out the window, the sun was rising, his onslaught lasting a full day. The knight watched as the sun's light grew in intensity, coming to envelope, not only the tower, but the entirety of the land that stretched out before him. And with each passing second, the knight's sorrow was replaced with hope, his purpose being rebuilt from the ashes of his mind's fire. The hope soon overtook the knight, that this wasn't the end of his journey merely its quest.
As the sun was rising further into the sky, the knight departed the castle, riding on the back of Wind Dreamer, to destinations unknown, a destiny untold.
My Life as Metaphor...
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Epicness
So my birthday was yesterday, it was pretty damn amazing! I can't believe I'm surrounded by such great people! I saw so many people on my birthday, well over 50 unique faces at so many different times. I can't believe they all wanted to make my birthday special. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful and caring people around me.
Notable SHOUT-OUTS (lol :D)
J-Po: Dounts + Coffee + Beach = Best Morning Ever, thanks for being awesome!
Sabel, Franny, Hunter: For getting all three of my classes to sing happy birthday to me, and a birthday pint!
Dartmouth Court Lady (lol): For getting so much stress of my shoulders, by giving me a third parking pass!
Christian and Peter: For dominating with me in Halo, it would have been ugly otherwise :P!
Lissett, Jeff, Jon-o, Leslie, Stephanie, Justine: For a lot of good laughs at Thai Spice, Drunk Thai Spice (lol Jeff you silly)
Ashley and Alowe: For letting me win at bowling, we all know you two are good at everything. :D
Juliano: For smashing a piece of cake into my face, thus shattering world speed records on cake smashing, and providing hours of enjoyment as it was caught on high-speed camera.
Alex: For giving the best hug of the day, it was that awesome!
and
MACDOUGALL: For everything, for meeting me at 7:50 to walk me to class, for taking me to the beach, for setting up the LAN, for Bowling, for the party, for the mullet-cutting escapades, for everything else I didn't see, because I know without you my birthday would not have been quite so special. Thanks don't know how much it means to me. Love you playa!
Thanks to everyone that made my 22nd the best birthday I've ever had. It was something I'll remember for the rest of my life.
Notable SHOUT-OUTS (lol :D)
J-Po: Dounts + Coffee + Beach = Best Morning Ever, thanks for being awesome!
Sabel, Franny, Hunter: For getting all three of my classes to sing happy birthday to me, and a birthday pint!
Dartmouth Court Lady (lol): For getting so much stress of my shoulders, by giving me a third parking pass!
Christian and Peter: For dominating with me in Halo, it would have been ugly otherwise :P!
Lissett, Jeff, Jon-o, Leslie, Stephanie, Justine: For a lot of good laughs at Thai Spice, Drunk Thai Spice (lol Jeff you silly)
Ashley and Alowe: For letting me win at bowling, we all know you two are good at everything. :D
Juliano: For smashing a piece of cake into my face, thus shattering world speed records on cake smashing, and providing hours of enjoyment as it was caught on high-speed camera.
Alex: For giving the best hug of the day, it was that awesome!
and
MACDOUGALL: For everything, for meeting me at 7:50 to walk me to class, for taking me to the beach, for setting up the LAN, for Bowling, for the party, for the mullet-cutting escapades, for everything else I didn't see, because I know without you my birthday would not have been quite so special. Thanks don't know how much it means to me. Love you playa!
Thanks to everyone that made my 22nd the best birthday I've ever had. It was something I'll remember for the rest of my life.
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