Walk Away

In light of a pretty epic small group, I was confronted with all the times in my life I've had to make a tough decision and walk away.  Walking away from opportunities, failures, relationships has always been something I struggle with.  I'm a deeply expectations driven person, with a monumental pride issue.  See I'm always in it for the glory, the recognition, the praise, that's how I was raised, do things for others so that you will make friends, network, be successful, get the praise and recognition you deserve.  Nothing to it really.  To be honest I have lived my life for 21 years exactly like that.  Constantly struggling against an inner self that wants so much attention. To walk away for me isn't to avoid people, but to avoid myself.

Pride is a funny thing, it feels so right when the switch is turned on, you feel so "one" with yourself, the feeling of doing exactly what I want to be doing, getting all the rewards for every action.  But in your heart their can always be a difference in motivation.  See the flip side to pride is when the switch is off, you are no longer "one" with yourself, but at war with the universe and everything in it.  Now no one is giving you the praise you deserve, everyone sees only your faults, you become bitter and entitled to the world around you.  Ultimately, that bitterness pollutes everything you touch, including and most importantly your relationship with God.  It makes you yell in anger at the heavens, "why me!", and there in lies the problem, self-awareness. Or the lack there-of.  In order to recognize you have a pride problem, you have to first be out of the "oneness" with yourself and really see you for who you really are, unfortunately that normally comes at the cost of what was stated above.

Most often the reason I walk away from something is purely the unfortunate realization that this experience will only result in building up my pride.  Simple.  So many instances of Walking Away to deter pride.  Not joining worship team.  Not trying out for theater in college.  Giving my project leader title to other group mates.  Never wanting to be paid back so I could fly under the radar. Not starting relationships (sorry to those I never told the real reason) So many reasons to make it about me, I could never find a solution to make it about God. So I had to walk away.

Do I ever think about those decisions as lost opportunities, sometimes.  But I think the reward I gained from drawing closer to God, experiencing more of his character, giving for the right intentions.  Has made me a humbler person, more willing and able to do what is right for the right motivation. Leading me to a fuller life in the future.