Comfort

Wow how stupid this sounds on the day after Christmas.  A day about gifts and selflessness, about celebrating and love, how my Christmas was none of that.  Even more tragic than that statement before, is how it took Eclipse (yes the vampire movie) to show me what I really want in life.

Comfort

More specifically comforting.

I've spent much of this break with other people, but at the end of the day I'm feeling more alone then ever.  All I've ever wanted, I realize, is someone to be there for me, to comfort me in the times that are out of my control.  I've been thinking back on my life and so much of it has been torture and suffering.  I just wish that as I came home from school, beat-up and friendless, that I had someone to tell me, "its ok that these kids don't like you, it will get better, i'll help you".  I just wish that as a teenager when I had been rejected, outcast, made a pariah, that someone had stepped in and said, " your worth something, people just don't get it".  I just wish that as I tore my body apart and reconstructed it that someone had said,"It'll be fine, you'll make it, I know you can do it"

I just wish that at the end of today, I had someone say its ok that your family uses you as a tool, but I won't.  That its going to be ok leaving college, that people won't forget you, that I won't forget you.  That even though you aren't spectacular, I wan't to commit to seeing you thrive.  That's what I want.

Recently I've been so afraid of everything, that I'll make it through this next quarter that could be my very toughest. That I'll have some friends after college or that I'll end up like my sister who is so alone and that we'll only have each other.  Or even for the first time driving down from Norcal through 8 1/2 hours of rain and traffic. Trying to reroute yourself because GPS doesn't account for the grapevine being closed. All alone. Can you imagine my fear.  Or having a conversation with your "best friend" who says I can't make time for you anymore, your not important to me.  Realizing after that conversation you can't come up with a single person you feel comfortable talking to about it. Because you honestly don't want to bother them, or feel like its a burden for them.

That's it in a nutshell, I'm afraid, I'm afraid to let go of any of this, because I don't know its going to be ok, I've lived 21 years, I've fought for 21 years, and all I want is the comfort of someone standing there by me while I fight.  Wanting to understand my pain, wanting to be apart of my life.  I'm tired of inviting people in, only to have them leave.  On my 21st Christmas my heart shattered again, and I can't pick up the pieces anymore, I rather just stay broken, its less work.  No more, No more, I tap out, God, I tap.  I've finally given up faith in myself like you always wanted. I guess theres always 2011.