I moved my blog to Tumblr

Hey peeps who read this blog,

   If your wondering why so silent? I moved my blog to tumblr (I just like how they do photos :D)
Anyways link included, beware there be dragons ahead.

http://towalkamongstdragons.tumblr.com/

A Prayer of Patience

Lord I pray for patience, I pray for compassion, I pray for kindess.  Lord men's arrogance will be there undoing, they are so lost in there own "rightness".  How foolish it is that they believe they know how everything should be.   Only you know everything's proper place.  Please keep me humble, I fear to fall into the trap of self-righteousness and arrogance.  Keep destroying my pride.  I pray for compassion against the anger that is building in my heart.  Give me opportunities to remain humble and kind.  Each day is a blessing you alone give, may I not waste it with selfish thoughts and pride.  Keep my priorities in you strong, for through you all things are possible.

Slips and Check-ups

So recently I've had this feeling of things slipping, things slipping out of my mind. Like the feeling you get when you think of something, but before you can say the words, it escapes your mind.  That feeling is happening a lot more than ever before.  And on things I would never have forgotten before.  Maybe it's the stress, or the anxiety, or age (I really hope it isn't age, I'm 22, that doesn't bode well haha).

So I went to the doctor's to get a sudo routine check-up,  I say sudo, because my check-up is a little more involved then the average check-up.  I've had a lot of injuries in my life, more broken bones than the next 20 people you would meet combined and I'm no stranger to cysts and tumors. Yes those tumors, but that's a post for another day.  Somethings I don't need to talk about on zee blog haha.  But I asked him about the memory issues, and he said it's probably stress, but he said to keep an eye on it, never know about early onset dementia (oh doc what a dry sense of humor you have...)

But he suggested that I write more things down, start using a calendar, and generally try to catalog more of my life.  It will help me stay focused, which keeps the slipping feeling away.  And he said it would reduce stress.  I'm all for that!

Awash in Moonlight

So I went to a friends birthday party last night, it was a good time, got to meet a bunch of new people which is always good, so when the festivities were done and we decided to leave, I drove everyone who was in my car home (high-five designated drivers), but I don't know something came over me, I just wasn't ready to go home yet.  It was like 2 am, and any sane rational working adult would have been asleep to wake up for work the next day.  But my mind was like you should go to Peter's Canyon and just hike around.  Ok, mind, let's do it, the rest of my body mimes.  So I drive to Peter's Canyon.

Of course at 2 am the park is closed, but I've hopped enough fences in my life, so I park across the street and trespassed into the park.  So I just started to hike, through some of the creek areas, the wildlife alive with the abnormal sounds of my passing.  A coyote darted across my path, almost acting unaware of my presence.  The flowers a glow with the half-moon's light.  The night is dark, but clear. One physical gift God gave me is my night vision, so I'm able to pick my path pretty well, not stepping in anything nasty.

I made my way up big red, so I could look over the entire Tustin/Irvine valley, it was so clear that I could almost make out the end of the valley.  It was beautiful, the lights that sprang up from the marketplace, the roads empty of sound.  It felt like I was the only one awake. I got this amazing sense of oneness with my surroundings, like I could feel the crickets around me breathing, chirping, hear the raccoons munching on there dinner, watch as the coyotes made there way up the far hill.  It felt like anything was possible if I just listened.

After the moment had passed, I made my way down the far side of big red over to the far side of the park, around towards the lake.  This is were the gate hopping skills come in.  I wanted to feel the water.  Don't know why, just did.  So I hopped the fence and went down to the lake.  As I got closer to the lake I removed my shoes and socks to feel the water.  I approached the water and stuck my feet in, the water was really warm, I was pretty surprised.  It's forbidden to go swimming in the lake, like ever, so I said I've broken every other rule tonight why not another?  So I removed my clothes and jumped in.  Don't know if anyone's been skinny dipping before, but it is an interesting sensation, pretty pleasant in my opinion.  Kinda feels natural.  So I started to swim out further into the lake. By this time the moon had gone way down, and it was the darkest part of the night.  And the stars sang.  Normally I'm only treated to these stars when I go to national parks, but this was a rare treat indeed.  It caught my breath, not entirely a good thing when your treading water, but the sight was glorious.  And I knew in that moment what the most important things in my life where.

I got out, put my clothes back on, and made my way back to my car.  A man made a lot richer.  Drove home, and slept like a baby.  Dreaming of endless possibilites.

A Moment, a Failure, a Life

I made my choice, I didn't pass the test.  Its ok because I seek failure more than I seek success.  It's in my failure that I know I'm growing.  Living.   I'm not always right, but it doesn't mean I'm wrong for trying.  I fall over and stumble, I tumble and break, but I always seem to find a way to put the pieces back together.    I can cry and wail and flail, but that's the pressure of my own expectations taking the best of me and throwing it to the floor.  I'm the one who has to believe in my weakness, so that I can find strength.

Playing life like it's a game only trivializes what you have, it diminishes the importance of each moment.  Gameifying your life,  thinking of moments as achievements unlocked, diminishes the all important "why".  Should I achieve a Job, a Marriage, a Child, a Legacy? or should I live it? Why do we even have a life if we can't live it.

I'm going to find my importance in the moment.  Because the moment is all we have. The past is just a moment gone by.  The future a moment yet to be. The objects that possess us will persist in their obsession over our lives if we continue to give them the power of our time.  Our obsession to obtain everything we think we deserve dominates our lives, making us just like hamsters in a wheel. Always living for the illusion of progress. It's unfortunate, because the glory of life is just in the existence of it. And as long as we ignore it, the more this world will fall into chaos, persisted by the human condition.

It's saddening to be seen as a failure, even when you know that your successful. When you know your successful at living.

Programming

My chosen profession is computer programming, which I guess makes me a computer programmer. Software engineer if we want to remove the stigma.  The thing is I've never really been good at programming, and I think it's the sheer fact that my profession is in dire need of people that I'm allowed to be hired.  I just forget a lot of stuff, I'm clumsy on the proper processes and techniques, and don't always come up with the most elegant of solutions.  My stuff will work, but I always need the help of more competent people to finish strongly.  Most people don't opt-in to something there not good at, but I'm not good at a lot of traditional things.  I've always been good at the in-betweens, the spaces between skills, like I can translate program to design or design to program.  I can translate the emotions of a person into concrete facts.  I can connect information between multiple systems of thought.  What I'm best at is lateral thinking.  But I perform terribly when faced with a linear facing problem. So I see what others miss, but I can't take the action to it's logical conclusion.  I guess I just feel devalued, when I make the connections, but they complete the process, they really get all the credit, when there is equal work in completion and connection.  Getting from A to B is just as challenging as figuring out how to get there.  I just don't think people take notice of that fact enough.

Outlaw Star

I just finished watching my favorite anime series, Outlaw Star.  It explores the adventures of Gene Starwind and his motley crew of outlaws on board the spaceship Outlaw Star.  There are a bunch of reasons why I love this series.  I really enjoy the characters and there are so many parts I just laugh at. But I think the reason I love it the most, is that I've always wanted to be Gene Starwind. No other leading character in any fictional series has ever grabbed my imagination as much as Captain Starwind.  So tough on the outside, never backing down from any challenge, and always having the confidence to know he can get through any situation, no matter how dire. He's just a plain badass.  But I think I want to be Gene because inwardly his compassion knows no bounds, he is always down to help out anyone with anything, that's even the slogan of there sort of inside joke company.  "Starwind & Hawking enterprises where we can help you with any problem, from your love life to nuclear disasters"(It's always a different tagline but the first part is always the same). His character yearns for a better life, he believes in hope, his spirit is indomitable because he knows that one day they will make it big. His belief in himself and his friends, the love they share, it catches me every time.  If only I could believe in myself 1/10th of how much Gene Starwind believes in himself.  What a feeling that would be.